Why can't I quit you, Web MD?

I am in the middle of the lamest Memorial Weekend ever.  It's the kickoff to summer!  The best season ever!  Barbeques and drinking outdoors and wearing your whites and three days of no work!  Unless you're me: working all three days, pretty broke, and fighting off a weird stomach bug and the hypochondria that comes with it.  So instead of crashing that party I can hear down the block, I'm drinking some pretentious-sounding "Digestif" tea, making a Flavorwire-inspired playlist about being broke, and playing with the Web MD Symptom Checker.

I know, I know - Andrea and Mom, if you're reading this: I'm sorry.  I know I said I would stop plugging all my symptoms into Web MD because all it does is convince me that I have a brain tumor and then I call one of you and hysterically yell "I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!"  (Oh, and Mom, if you did magically find this blog, I think I have a lot of other things to apologize for.)

But tonight I'm lonely and Web MD just gets me, you know?  We have a special relationship.  I'm like "Web MD, I think I have food poisoning from the kamikaze dressing I bought from Sunshine Mart!" and Web MD is all "Baby doll, hush, according to your symptoms you have 20 different diseases to choose from!  And they all have dramatic consequences!"  And then I think "You know what?  If I do have Type 1 diabetes, I can deal!  I can still live my life!  Halle Berry does it!"

But now I'm coming back down from the medical high and trying to be sensible.  I probably don't have diabetes (or cystic fibrosis... or IBS...) and it's probably just something weird that I ate that's causing these *ahem* "digestive issues"... probably that dressing (which would be sad because it was so tasty).  I'm going to keep pumping myself with fluids (one Vitamin Water and two coconut waters so far) and just hope I'm better tomorrow.

OK, back to my lover Web MD though: can we just talk about how crazy awesome some of these symptom options are??  Here are my faves:

• "Taste words when they are heard"
• "Multiple bruises of different ages"
• "Craving alcohol"
• "Inappropriate behavior"

I have a diagnosis for those: YOU'RE A PASSED-OUT DRUNK.  I also love how there is a symptom option of "broken bone."  I can diagnose that one too: YOU HAVE A BROKEN BONE.  Duh.

I hope you're all having a lovelier night than I am.  Although, to be fair, I'm currently typing this while chilling on my fire balcony and it's kinda nice - there's a breeze and the city is all lit up and I haven't dropped anything.  I guess there's still hope for an exciting day tomorrow, since that's the real day we're "celebrating" anyway.  Anyone having a barbeque that I can crash?  I'm already hydrating in preparation.  Unless I'm dead from diabetes-induced kidney failure tomorrow morning... in which case, I'd like Halle Berry to speak at my funeral.