Monday, April 26, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: ba dum ching!

It's Monday!  Time for me to be sick again!

Really though: get with it, body!  My first day back at work after a leisurely week off and that's when you decide to smack me with yet another cold?  Why do I get sick all the timeOh my god, do I have lupus??  Shit.  I suppose it's actually just proof of just how opposed my body is to being back at the job.

Now that I'm sitting in bed eating spicy soup out of a giant mug though, I'm feeling marginally better.  If I had a little bit more energy I would dance to this (or at least come up with another snappy pun):

andrea: It's only 4:00
 Where's the justice?
  womp womp 

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Oh it's such a perfect day... I'm glad I spent it with me...

Not to rub it in your face, worker bees, but I am on VACATION this week and I FUCKING LOVE IT.  Today, in particular, was all loveliness and sunshine.  I'm tempted to never show up to work again and see how long it takes them to stop paying me.  (That would probably take about three days, actually, since I usually run the payroll.)

I got up sorta early (9am) considering I worked my intern shift the night before, but I thought I'd be meeting a potential subletter.  Turns out I had my days mixed up - whoops - so I instead used the time to send out four job resumes and speed through some of my email.  Yay productivity!

I had to go into Manhattan for an appointment and with all the sun and the green and the flowering things I couldn't possibly go right back on the train. So I wandered myself into Barnes and Noble to peruse things I shouldn't buy.  Good call, because I found this on the bargain shelf for $5.95:

YESSS!  This has been on my to-buy list forever, but I was always too cheap to shell out the whole entire list price fee of $28 (times is tough, yo).  Now that I have it my hot little hands all I want to do is become a professional wackadoo party host.  Why isn't that job on Craigslist??

After more wandering in the beautiful sunshine, I came home and made myself a real lunch!  With fresh fruits and vegetables!  Which I didn't have to eat at a sad desk!  Amazing.

Then I dashed to dance class and HOLY CRAP.  Not only did we dance to Janet, but it was the teacher's assistant's birthday so they brought her a cake and we all got giant slices of Magnolia red velvet cake after class!  For real!!

And it had normal vanilla frosting and not cream cheese frosting which is what always ruins a good red velvet and ohmygod CAKE!!!  It felt wrong to sit and eat cake after sweating for 90 minutes but still... mindblowing.

Now I'm winding down with tequila and L.A. Ink (these people are fascinating) and I have big plans to watch the end of Ugly Betty Season 4 and paint my nails with this fancy nail art pen.

PLANS, y'all!!

Just so you know I'm not entirely roses and unicorns, I did pull a neck muscle in dance class and I don't know how I'll ever turn my head to the left ever again.  But still!  Who needs turn their head when there's Amy Sedaris and tequila!

I almost don't want to go to sleep tonight for fear that karma will fuck me over and tomorrow will suck.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: another reason we need our own film crew

It's true: Drea and I spend a lot of time bitching about our jobs, but at least our analogies are different every time.  I think I could someday string all our job rant analogies together and it would be a perfect sitcom.  Or at least a B-movie screenplay.

molly: btw, i'm curating more widget and sassoon laughables from our old chats and it's totally saving me right now
 andrea: Oh man! I should be doing that!
 Instead, I'm listening to a baby WHINE AND CRY FOREVER FOR NO REASON while I talk to you
 You think you have problems kid? Oh I'm sorry, is it too dark in here, is your mac and cheese not to your liking? Shall I wipe your ass again?
 molly: HA
  did you forget the sprig of parsley with that mac?
  maybe that's it
  or maybe you should heat those baby wipes with your breath
 andrea: Maybe I should run screaming into the rain and twirl in circles at my glorious, glorious freedom
 molly: yeah! and hire a steadicam to follow you!
 andrea: Hee hee!

 andrea: GARBAGE
 the world is garbage.

 molly: it sure is

  except for the parts with dancing
  those are golden

Aaaaand scene.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I saw a big truck advertising this on my way into work yesterday and almost did a vaudeville-style spit take of my coffee:

Really, universe?  Why the crap do we need an Ed Hardy energy drink?  Hasn't Ed Hardy spoiled enough clothing and merchandise across America already?

Perhaps more importantly: what kind of energy requires the specific Ed Hardy brand?  The energy to squeeze out the last of your hair gel to perfectly spike up those frosted tips?  Or maybe the energy to make it through the final coloration of your vaguely Asian tramp stamp?  Good god.

I bet this stuff tastes like Mountain Dew mixed with Axe body spray.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: back in the day

I've done it: I've gotten so lazy that I missed my self-imposed Monday midnight Widget and Sassoon deadline and you know what? I DON'T CARE.  I'm trying out this new thing called Not Being Hard On Myself.  Crazy, right?  I hear many people do it every day and actually lead lives without endless to-do lists and, shucks, what a novel idea! 

But enough about my crazy brain.  This is about my AND Andrea's crazy brain.

This April 1st marked three years of me living in New York City.  Whooooaaaaaawoowww.  I've been reminiscing about those good ol' early days lately, remembering all the super cool fun Drea and I had in the giant single apartment I was subletting in Washington Heights.

Except for that shithead cat.  About 24 hours after that photo was taken, I learned he was a fun-ruiner.

So in the spirit of nostalgia, I dug up one of the very first gchats we ever had (ever!), from that grand spring of '07.  [Note: I have no idea what "Gaslight" was.  Probably some lameo show/movie that I knew I was better off not seeing.  HA.  Clearly our online love/hate relationship was already in full bloom.]

andrea: you're druuuuunk
 molly: not anymore
  but kinda dizzy, for some reason
  i think i'm dying
  my brain is dying
 andrea: i want to do things on brightly colored pieces of paper
 molly: me too!
  a little...
i'm in one of those moods where i'm wide awake and have the urge to do ... something
  but i have no idea what
  it should probably be sleep
 hey i completely changed my mind about thurs night
  i don't really want to see "gaslight" any more bc i have too much shit to do
  i need to start packing too
 andrea: blah blah blah
  you just want to blow me off
  and NOT do things on brightly colored pieces of paper!
 molly: you're so right
  i'm actually making a voodoo doll of you
 andrea: i hate you
 molly: that's my crafty craftiness
 andrea: bah.

 molly: g'night buttface
 andrea: bah.

And with that memento, G'NIGHT BUTTFACES!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Tell by my belt buckle that I most definitely from...

The first 17 years of my life are perhaps best summarized by this amazing video:

This also serves as a good argument for why I no longer live there.

I would, however, love to stumble across a big guy in the woods playing a tiny piano.

Monday, April 05, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sasson: not so much hilarious, very much true

Full disclosure: I am overwhelmed and overtired and being a brat today so I'm not even going to attempt to write as much as I wanted to.  Good news: Drea Drea spent the weekend with me and we did amazing things like drink pickle martinis and make big arty plans and try on crazy clothes.  Bad news: I can't write about it today because I'm too busy holding my eyes open.  Bleh.  Luckily I can always rely on this:

molly: can we drink whiskey tomorrow please?
 andrea: Um, yes!

Good luck with your Mondays, friends!