Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: yes - long, but SO worth it

Confession: a few months ago I joined OkCupid, the free online dating site of broke desperate singles nationwide.  I originally signed up as a challenge as part of my Storytelling class at UCB; we were all assigned to do something "out of character" - our true character as a person, not a fake character - but the catch was that the rest of the class picked it for you.  Clearly, part of my "character" is my inability to pick up dudes... I guess it's more obvious than I thought.  ANYWAY.

I brushed it off at first as an embarrassing, horrifying task, but soon I actually got kind of obsessed with it.  There's something very gratifying about being able to brush off or hit on guys without it being in person and having to care about their reaction.  It helped that I realized many of my friends use or have used OkCupid or other dating sites and it's really nothing to be all secretive and embarrassed about - in fact, it's often hilarious and makes for more great stories.  Thanks, Storytelling 201!

As I seem to have regained confidence in picking up men on my own (thankyouverymuch), I'm kind of neutral about it now.  I still check it out when I get emails about matches because I'm curious what other nerds live in my area ("We found a match for you!  He likes 'Martin Scorcese'" - puh-lease internet robots, who doesn't??), but mostly, it's all about the hilarious messages.  I get a few creepy or odd messages from guys every now and then and I like to have a good laugh before I delete them.  Then I got two that put all the rest to shame.  Naturally, I immediately consulted Andrea.  Please enjoy:

me: ho
 andrea: what?
 me: this is the best ok cupid message i've gotten of all time
  (long, but worth it)
 Dear Molly :

Now I am manager of software department in a corporation in Beijing.
I am senior software analyst.

My hometown is Qingdao. It is a big city & seaport at east coast of China.
All my relatives are in Qingdao.

I am lonely in Beijing. So I need a girlfriend very much.

But fortunately, Beijing University gives me great happiness.

Besides my career, my best interest is study in Beijing University.

Beijing University is the best university in China.
She has an honourable fame in whole China.
Because Beijing University is in capital, & near central government,
so its information is more strong.

I am in a good environment of culture & information.

Every month, there are many aristocracies of intellect around me.
Every month, there are many conferences or forums in campus of Beijing University & Tsinghua University.

Many government officials, scholars, enterprisers, businessmen came from all over the world, take part in those meetings.

So I have many chance to meet those aristocracies in many fields.
I feel happy to meet them, because those meeting give me much light of wisdom. They open my mind & eyes.

My interest is wide. I attend many classes in several aspect: literature, history, philosophy, law, business, management, etc.

I love Beijing University very much.

I wish, in the future, I can invite you to visit Beijing University, & take some pictures in its campus.

Hongwu in Beijing
andrea: um...does he WORK for beijing university?
 me: oh my gosh, he sent me an earlier one too!
 andrea: does he want you to come to china and make out with beijing university while he watches?
 me: i guess so???
  i think he's a student
 holy shit, he's looking for an american wife and i fall in the desired height range
  Dear MollyCam , you are so lovely on picture.

Nice to meet you. How do you do ?

I am HongWu Xu in Beijing, China.

I am software engineer.
I study in Beijing University in spare time.
In Beijing University, there are some foreign students & scholars came from America and Europe.

Do you know something about China ?

If you are interested, I will send you some pictures about China & myself at once.
So you can understand something about China at first.
Please give me your email address.

My email address

On hotmail.com, I have instant messenger.
It's also called MSN. MSN is my basic instant messenger.
On MSN, my user name is

On Yahoo Messenger, my user name is

Are you interested to keep contact with me, and see what will happen
I am sincere and worthy gentleman, with a kind and tender heart.

I seek a wife whose height is between 5'4--5'8 (164cm -- 172cm)
I like to live with you in your side.

Hope to hear from you.

Hongwu in Beijing University, China
 "i like to live with you IN YOUR SIDE"
 andrea: he is a sincere and worthy gentleman
 me: he wants to burrow into me like an alien!!
 andrea: you should probs call him
 me: oh, for sure
  chinese sugar daddy

You guys: if any of you email him pretending to be me and get a response I will buy you a drink and then we can scheme on how to get him to wire us money.  Deal?  And yes, that photo is really him... HOTT.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Last day of work!!!!  I stole a bottle of wine!!  Shoulda taken 10! 

See ya, suckaaaas!

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: the future

As of this moment, I only have a little more than three days left as a full-timer at CAP21.  Amazing.  People keep asking me where I'm going and what my plans are and I keep giving vague answers like "I'm pursuing a number of options" and "somewhere... that's not... here".  Truth is: I have no idea.  Also truth: I'm psyched about it. 

I mean, I do have plans to find something new, for sure.  At this point though, I just want any job that doesn't make me want to hide in bathroom and bang my head against the stall door all day.  If that something can also give me a salary and insurance, even better.  I'm lucky enough to have some money to float on for awhile if I need to, though, so it wouldn't hurt to use this bit of free time to re-examine what I might want to do with my life.  Like finally start that drums-and-tambourine band with Andrea:

me: aw yeah, fashion plates!
 my friend sophie had a ton of those and i was so jealous
 what were sweet secrets?
andrea: they were these little dolls that folded into like weird compact things
  but the best part was all their furniture which folded out of accessories
 so like, there was a brush that turned into a car

me: whoaaa weird
  they have weirdo torsos
 andrea: they have jeweled torsos
 you should be so lucky
 me: they're like girly transformers
  also, i'm starting a band called hairdryer patio
 andrea: oh my god, totally off topic, my sweet tooth will not quit
  i want like, a tube of cinnamon rolls right now
  also, hairdryer patio, yes
  i'm on drums
 me: ok fine
  but i get to tambourine
  and that's it - drums and tambourine
 andrea: god we rule
 me: we sure do
  oh, and we'll have really high pitched vocals
  like, fake opera
 andrea: WIN
  i'm not touring though
  we can do one offs
  i say we only tour when we need a vacation
  and even then we'll play like one show and relax the rest of the time
 we'll send out a bulletin, "just some meet us at the bar and we'll sing all high pitchy for you while you buy us g &t's"

Hairdryer Patio: keepin' it real.  Brace yourself for some amazing merch. 

(Oh, and by the way: wanting to eat a tube of cinnamon rolls is never off-topic and is in fact relevant to any conversation.)

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Crap, I did it again.  I forgot all about my very important Five Year Blogiversary!  It was officially last Saturday, but apparently I was actually out doing stuff and being all social on that day (and since then) that I haven't had time to catch up - go me!

Someday when I am a Big Important Blog, maybe I'll give away prizes and such when I hit seemingly important milestones, but until then, you'll just have to look at this and pretend you ate one too:

That adorable red velvet cupcake looks like it's saying "Happy Fifth Birthday, Cukr Kazdy Den!" right?  (Actually, it's saying "Happy Belated Birthday, Co-Worker Kenneth, I said I was going to make you cupcakes like a whole effing month and a half ago so here they are, sorry" but... use your imagination.)

Man, when I turned five, I think my mom made me a cake shaped like a clown and my dad did magic tricks for me and my party guests on our front porch - what happened to those days?

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Is there still enough summer left for fat camp?

Both my roommates have been gone for about a week and I've been using this home-alone time to be as obnoxious and slobby as possible: walking around without pants, singing bad opera in the shower, and loudly watching bad TV.  But mostly, I've been openly eating like CRAP.  Not like I think my roommates judge what I eat when they're here, but there's something about being alone in the apartment that makes it okay to eat pickles rolled up in Tofurkey slices over the sink and dip strawberries into leftover cupcake frosting.

The downside of this is that I'm going to need some serious Jillian Michaels treatment by the weekend.  Of course, it's so much easier to just laugh at the people on "The Biggest Loser" instead of actually working out:

andrea: there are SO MANY plugs on this show
  and they're gratuitous
 the trainer comes in and is all "HEY GUYS! how about some Jenni-o 99% fat free ground turkey?!! YAAAAAY!!!!"
 me: oh my god, yeah
 andrea: or they'll come in and be like "...you know what's awesome?...ziploc bags."
 me: and all the gum!
 andrea: yes!
 me: it's like "you don't need FOOD"
 andrea: extra sugar free!
 me: chew this entire pack of gum and cry!
 andrea: chew it you fatties!
  instead of food!

Too bad gum just makes me want more food.  Ah well, off to stuff a few more peanut-butter-covered cupcake pieces into my gullet before bedtime!  Mmmm.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

You're a drop of blood in my glass of milk

I can't believe I've been posting my meandering thoughts about music for years now and have never mentioned Jens Lekman!  What up, brain??  Well, no time like now to rectify this situation.  Let it be known, blogosphere: I LOVE JENS LEKMAN WITH A BILLION TINY PINK HEARTS AND YES I'M GOING TO BE THIRTEEN ABOUT THIS.

It was at a Jens Lekman show that I popped my going-to-shows-alone cherry.  Now, I'm a pretty introverted person by default: I can go to the theater alone, I can go to movies alone, and sometimes on lazy weekends I realize I have gone eight hours without uttering a single word to anyone (yikes).  But I was still terrified to go to a concert alone until I randomly threw caution to the wind and bought a single ticket to a Jens Lekman show at Webster Hall in April of 2008.  Best decision ever.  Jens playing live is akin to someone reaching out their hand to you and asking if you'd like to go get some ice cream after you've been crying on a stoop.

Which is why, one recent extra-sad night, I decided to email him.  I wanted so badly to see him live again, but according to his calendar he was staying far away from New York City.  So I sent him a simple plea:
Hello Jens,

When do you think you come back to New York City for a show?  We miss you.  (I miss you.)

Yes, I forgot an important element of grammar in there and I am ashamed.  And yes, I had had a couple beers.  BUT I had nearly forgotten all about sending that email until he emailed me back ten days later:
hello new york.
i miss you too. but we have a lot of old shit to settle first.
first of all, why did you turn your back on me when i was going through the worst time of my life ?
why do you have to be so good to the dreamers, but so cold to the ones who have woken up ?
yours sincerely,
OUCH.  But still - an email from fucking JENS LEKMAN!  I was tempted to send a huge long reply, emptying my heart and telling him how HIS music was saving ME in New York, but I didn't.  Well, OK, I did reply (couldn't resist) with a simple "aw shucks, that's sad, thanks for making your music" kind of thing.  But I was still bummed that there was very little hope of him coming back to NYC any time soon.

WELL - now there's more of a story to his sad reply.  I regularly check in with his blog (which is how I got the idea to email him in the first place) and found this post, along with a link to download his new song, "The End of the World is Bigger Than Love."  This is taken directly from the site:
It was the day before the american election 2008 and I was filled with a hopelessness that only a McCain supporter could have shared with me at the time. I was in Washington DC to perform for swedish TV, sitting in the couch with a profesional smile on my face, joking with the hosts and discussing the lobster with the TV chef. I saw the clips online sometime ago, it's amazing what an actor I can be if I really make an effort.

I lived in America back then, up in New York. At the time I felt like everything I touched was turning to shit and I had decided to put everything on one card. Subconsciously I knew I needed to hit the bottom so I could work my way up again. I needed confirmation, I needed someone to tell me it wasn't going to work out, not this way. Yes, there was a girl involved in this. I was very much in love with her.

Some things you just go through. You don't write about it, you don't turn it into art because it can't be turned into art. I didn't write any songs that year because you can't pour manure into an espresso machine and expect a cappucino to come out. When they announced the results and the streets filled up with people celebrating I felt happy to be part of something bigger than myself. It was a feeling that lasted me until the very last days of December 2008 when I finally sat down in my old teenage room at my parents house and I wrote this song. Then the year ended.

It's a song of hope. When love turns it's back on you it's nice to know there's a world out there that doesn't give a shit about your problems. That forces you to keep your head held high and move on. A world that is fragile and beautiful. Maybe it can sound cold to some of you, but let me make it clear that I believe in love, I just get so wrapped up in it sometimes that I need to put it into proportion. It's something you have to do a lot when you're Jens Lekman.
Awww, JENS!  I just... I just don't know what to do with that, but if I could cry, it would feel like this.  Of course I downloaded the song and of course it's lovely and heartbreaking and full of little NYC references (Flatbush Ave Target!).  I highly recommend that you all download it (it's free!).  You do have to give your email address and maybe that means you'll end up his mailing list, but geez, then you'll get great emails like this one:
I'm looking for anyone who wants to go out dancing tonight in Dublin.
My band members have all gone to sleep and I'm desperate.

/ J
CRAP MY PANTS why don't I live in Dublin??

Jens, we didn't turn our back on you for good.  Please come back to New York.  I'll bring you cupcakes and we can re-enact this video down Houston:

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I will be sneaking box wine into this movie

Apparently if you give Christina Aguilera bangs she becomes an actor and if you straighten Cher's hair to infinity she gets one degree closer to becoming the next Michael Jackson:

Yipes.  This movie is going to be so awesomely bad.

Monday, August 09, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: summer > winter

Dreaface was in town this weekend and we had the most jam-packed-yet-relaxing two days of super funsies ever.  Highlights included pizza in a cone, Spa Castle body temperature adjustments, edamame dumplings, neon nails, Japanese groceries, and a Cake Shop dance fest.

Andrea is my best friend, but there are some things we will never agree on.  Number one is probably whether or not summer is better than winter (OF COURSE IT IS).  Another one is whether or not Bethenny Frankel is crazy or awesome (FREAKSHOW):

me: what are you watching?
 andrea: bethenny getting married
 me: oh dear
 and yet, if i were home now i'd probably be watching it too
  her face is terrifying
 andrea: i <3 her
  i have a lady boner for Bethenny Frankel
me: eeewwww
 her jaw is like someone shoved a baking sheet into her face
 andrea: very descriptive...
 me: i've thought about this a lot

But these arguments never last long.  There's too much dancing to do.

Just in case you forgot...

The Who were hilarious bad ass rockers who didn't give a crap about anything but straight-up blowing your brains out with rock and stylin' outfits and guitar smashing.  Put THAT in your history book, high school!

When the scientists finally give us all personal time machines, 1965 will be my first stop.

August freaks me out

I can feel fall creeping up on me like a cold cold drunken homeless person.  I need to remind myself that summer ain't over yet.  Here are some highlights of my summer so far:

Yes, that last pic is a highlight.  Because I'm tearing that sad, self-made, motivational poster off my wall.  Because I quit my job.  Because... it's time for something better.

WOW these photos make my life look boring.  I promise to get rowdy over the next three weeks.

Happy summer, friends.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: She's (we's) crafty

Andrea rolls back into town in just 4 days and I'm psyched out of my brains.  I think I should run out and buy puff paint just in case arts-and-crafts hour really happens this time.  Oh man, to think of all the hand-decorated clothes I rocked 15 or so years ago and then so carelessly gave away with no whim that I could have worn it all again in an acceptable, ironic, fashionable way!

me: i think we should play with puff paint when i visit
  let's puff paint an entire sock
 andrea: ha!
  just one?
 me: um.... yah
 then you have to wear a completely normal, blank sock with it

 andrea: awesome

 me: i'm creative like that
  i remember when i was like 8 or 9 my friend had her birthday party at a craft store and we puff-painted t-shirts
i think i made a picture of a crazy person
  i would kill to have that now
 andrea: that's amazing
 me: and i had a pink sweatshirt that i puff painted too!
 andrea: i just wrote my name over and over with like, rainbows when we did that at my birthday
 me: ha

And yeah, I'd TOTALLY wear a shirt covered with Andreas and rainbows too, just in case you were curious.