I probably have AIDS now

Here is an example of just how broke I've been feeling lately:

I went for a run this morning in my balmy, 77 degree neighborhood and as I passed a gas station, I saw a dollar bill on the ground.  So naturally I picked it up and tucked it into my sports bra.

A ONE.  DOLLAR.  BILL.

What the crap was I thinking?  That my boob sweat would transform it into a ten by the time I got home??  I'm disgusting.  And I had this thought as I continued to run with it plastered against me but what was I going to do then?  Throw it back on the ground?  NO.  I ran that wet little piece of paper all the way home to my wallet.  And then showered before touching my mouth.

Good god I need an extra job.  Or a new job altogether.  On the plus side though: my iced coffee today will probably cost only 89 cents.  Woo!

Why can't I quit you, Web MD?

I am in the middle of the lamest Memorial Weekend ever.  It's the kickoff to summer!  The best season ever!  Barbeques and drinking outdoors and wearing your whites and three days of no work!  Unless you're me: working all three days, pretty broke, and fighting off a weird stomach bug and the hypochondria that comes with it.  So instead of crashing that party I can hear down the block, I'm drinking some pretentious-sounding "Digestif" tea, making a Flavorwire-inspired playlist about being broke, and playing with the Web MD Symptom Checker.

I know, I know - Andrea and Mom, if you're reading this: I'm sorry.  I know I said I would stop plugging all my symptoms into Web MD because all it does is convince me that I have a brain tumor and then I call one of you and hysterically yell "I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!"  (Oh, and Mom, if you did magically find this blog, I think I have a lot of other things to apologize for.)

But tonight I'm lonely and Web MD just gets me, you know?  We have a special relationship.  I'm like "Web MD, I think I have food poisoning from the kamikaze dressing I bought from Sunshine Mart!" and Web MD is all "Baby doll, hush, according to your symptoms you have 20 different diseases to choose from!  And they all have dramatic consequences!"  And then I think "You know what?  If I do have Type 1 diabetes, I can deal!  I can still live my life!  Halle Berry does it!"

But now I'm coming back down from the medical high and trying to be sensible.  I probably don't have diabetes (or cystic fibrosis... or IBS...) and it's probably just something weird that I ate that's causing these *ahem* "digestive issues"... probably that dressing (which would be sad because it was so tasty).  I'm going to keep pumping myself with fluids (one Vitamin Water and two coconut waters so far) and just hope I'm better tomorrow.

OK, back to my lover Web MD though: can we just talk about how crazy awesome some of these symptom options are??  Here are my faves:

• "Taste words when they are heard"
• "Multiple bruises of different ages"
• "Craving alcohol"
• "Inappropriate behavior"

I have a diagnosis for those: YOU'RE A PASSED-OUT DRUNK.  I also love how there is a symptom option of "broken bone."  I can diagnose that one too: YOU HAVE A BROKEN BONE.  Duh.

I hope you're all having a lovelier night than I am.  Although, to be fair, I'm currently typing this while chilling on my fire balcony and it's kinda nice - there's a breeze and the city is all lit up and I haven't dropped anything.  I guess there's still hope for an exciting day tomorrow, since that's the real day we're "celebrating" anyway.  Anyone having a barbeque that I can crash?  I'm already hydrating in preparation.  Unless I'm dead from diabetes-induced kidney failure tomorrow morning... in which case, I'd like Halle Berry to speak at my funeral.

Widget and Sassoon: London adventure times!

I know, I know - I had that burst of energetic blogging and now I've stopped.  I'm gonna get back on the wagon though, I swear... soon.  For now I'm just popping in to say HOLY CRAP ANDREA AND I ARE IN LONDON.  We're in the midst of all sorts of shenanigans right now (canned cocktails, Jammie Dodgers, hot tunes, heart-print tights, pants-less dancing, etc.) so I'll have to post a full report when I get home and I'm all sad and broke.  Here's a sneak peak though:

My pocket's eatin' cheese cake!

Please, please - hold your applause

 
OH HI.  Nice to see you again.

I've been trying to write a post for weeks now but couldn't seem to finish anything until tonight.  I know: how hard is it for me to blather some self-indulgent nonsense and hit publish?  Really not that hard.  I'm going to skip all the bullshit excuses though - sometimes I'm just uninspired and need a break.  Cool?  Cool.  So let's get back to things:

Here's what you need to know about my life since my last post:

- I actually got to see Jens Lekman!

I got a ticket at the last minute and it was so beautiful that I maybe got teary-eyed with joy.  OK, I was sleepy and full of Dayquil, but still - the show was in such an intimate space that I was only about ten feet away from Jens AND he played "Kanske är jag kär i dig," which is perhaps the best song in the world.  You should check out this Brooklyn Vegan post about the show because there are more great photos and I should cut down on the amount of Jens-obsessing I do here.

(Oh: but OF COURSE I bought one of these key necklaces.)
 
- I'm working a lot... although still not enough to stop me stealing money from my savings.  I'm either going to need to get a second part time job or quit the whole shebang and get another full time job.  Or I need to track down a rich philanthropist who wants to pay me to ghostwrite his/her blog while funding my European travels (fingers crossed for that one!).

- I'm writing and performing sketch comedy with my new group The Fantashticks.  Maybe someday we'll get our shit together and have a website!

- I celebrated Christmas by working nine hours on minimal sleep, somberly smoking a joint alone out my window, and then getting wasted on whiskey and cider.  Thanks, Santa, for the gift of reality!  Really though: it wasn't all that bad.  Andrea came to town (and got snowbound in my apartment) and a super awesome someone gave me a turntable(!!).

- My hair's getting pretty damn long.  I can't wait until it's long enough to recreate the gigantic side ponytail I had in my kindergarten class photo.

- I've been watching lots of Mr. Show.  Pit-Pat!

- I think Enter The Void was the best movie I saw in all of 2010.  Take THAT Black Swan! (Although... uh... I still haven't seen Black Swan.)  If you can still catch it somewhere on the big screen, do it, but schedule time for a long walk and a stiff drink after.

SO.  Yes.  Things are pretty swell right now.  I mean, sure: I'm dreading waking up at 6am tomorrow to go work for the man for nine hours and I'm also thinking it was probably a bad idea to drink that beer and then eat that ice cream and then do sit-ups right before bed but still... things have been worse.  I'm even working on a wintery iTunes playlist that's not full of Joy Division and Interpol!

Happy February, lovers.  It's good to be back.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Andrea will name your pet

 

I am failing at Widget and Sassoon lately.  I keep coming very close to stopping altogether, but then I convince myself to keep going because 1) there are so many conversations I keep uncovering that must be shared with world and 2) it guarantees that I post something at least once a week AND 3) good god, if I can't keep up with a weekly themed blog post then how can I expect to keep up with my LIFE??

Anyway.

Maybe it will be a "Whenever I Feel Like It Widget and Sassoon" instead of "Weekly."  You know, throwin' surprises your way when you least expect it.  Postin' funnies.  Drinkin' drinks.

I'm sorry, guys.  I think I'm in a bad mood because I just came back from a New Pornographers show and Dan Bejar wasn't with them and it made me sad.  And then I checked my bank balance.  And then I had to put on two sweaters because it's fucking DECEMBER.

ANYWAY.  Pets:

andrea: there's a girl on this show called "beau"   which quite frankly, is a dog's name

  let's be real hereBeau=dog like Clara=cow and Sebastian=cat

On the positive side: I have enough peanut butter and gin to last me at least a week.  And by listening to Destroyer I can pretend I saw Dan Bejar.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: dreams do come true

On days when I am feeling directionless and questioning my life choices, I like to try and remember how far I've come.  Sure, I'm slowly eating through my savings account, spending late nights watching cartoons and drinking whiskey, and my bedroom is covered in piles of mail and clothing BUT at least I'm not still job searching, right??

And I'm thinking positively for Andrea, too.  Sure, it sucks that she spends most days hanging out with a toddler and her closet doesn't hold all of her clothes BUT at least she has an iPhone!  See?  Things aren't so bad, people!  Unless you're reading this over someone's shoulder in a Starbucks because you're homeless.  That is bad.

me:i'm pretty sure i'm not getting that BAM job and it's killing my spirit

andrea: why? did the interview go badly?

 me: not terribly, but i haven't heard a peep from them and the interview was last monday

 i have a feeling they think i'm underqualified

 andrea: underqualified?

  that's boo hockey

 me: ha! boo hockey!

  yeah, i guess, but i keep thinking of other things i could have thrown into the interview that i didn't

  poo

 i'm sure they're interviewing a ton of people though

 andrea: yeah, a week ago is not that long

 did they give you a time frame for hiring at all?

 me: they said as soon as possible

  and the original ad said mid-august :(

 andrea: lame

 everyone's lame

  were the two best people for everything and noone wants to help us

  everyone's a JERK

 me: i KNOW!

 jerkface america!

 andrea: jerkface WORLD

  i just want a place to LIVE

  I want a JOB

  i want the world to stop making me TYPE IN CAPS

me: HATE IT!andrea: ugh. i just want an iphone and some new boots

Actually, Andrea probably does still want some new boots.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: I'm drunk at Voooogue

I've had a lot of beers.  And I just made the the best improvised tofu-rancheros-inspired scramble ever.  And I'm still poor.  And I'm never getting off this couch.  Aaaaaand drug segue:

andrea: Dude, I woke up this morning with such a migraine I thought I might not be able to come this weekend

  It was draaaaaammmz

  But I'm all drugged up and i feel a babillion better now

  Boom

  Deugs

Drugs!

  Yes.

Oh and this:

My Super Sweet Jens Lekman

It worked!  Jens Lekman is coming back to NYC!!

I shrieked aloud when I saw this in my inbox last night:

Hi everyone,

I had some stuff to do in New York this winter so I figured I might as well do a small solo show while I'm there since it's been so long.
It will be special and maybe we can have one of those house parties afterwards, like we had last time?
If my friends neighbors are cool with that, I'll let you know.

NYC
December 10th, 2010
Brooklyn
New York, USA
Green Building on Union
450 Union St
Brooklyn, NY 11231

Doors: 8pm
Stage: 9:30pm

There's 400 tickets - $17 adv / $20 door
Tickets here
Currently it's 18+, we're looking into ways of solving this so anyone can go but can't promise anything.

I'm totes buying a ticket.  You should all get one too.  And DUH, Jens, of COURSE we should have a house party afterwards!

You're welcome, New York!  It was alllllll me.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: hip-unemployed-ster

See what I did there?  I stuck "unemployed" in the middle of the word "hipster"!  Get it?  "Hip-unemployed-ster"??  It's the caption for this hot photo:

I was originally posting it as an example of what my life has become now that I am officially, for real real, no joke, DONE with CAP21.  I declared on October 28 that I wasn't coming back and I have upheld the promise.  Now I'm spending lots of time hanging out in a big sweater that keeps my neck warm and drinking cheap beer.  But then I uploaded that photo and scoffed at myself.  Really, Molly?  A striped seventies mom sweater?  Bangs all up in your eyes?  Visible (albeit backwards) Jukebox the Ghost poster in the background?  PBR??  You hipster fuck.  (However: can we acknowledge how awesome that nail polish is?  It matches the can!!)

So... yeah.  Oops.  I'm keeping it there so you can scoff at what my life has become right along with me.  Let's consider it a caption contest.  If you can think of something better than "hip-unemployed-ster," you win a prize.  Probably something lazily homemade.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I never had a proper going-away party...

me: drunk

  at

  work

 andrea: You devil

 How are you getting drunk at work?

me: we just signed the lease for moving onto the 5th floor and had cake and champys

  and i pretended it was my going away party

 andrea: HAHAHAHAHAHA

  yes.

 me: so of course it was GREAT

PS: I still have all the office keys, CAP21.  If I return them can I get my soul back?

Why can't we give love give love give love give love......

I know I'm way behind the rest of the world on finally watching this, but it made my night (or... my 2:30am):


Do you think if I donate money to the homeless he'd buy David Bowie Kermit a Thin White Duke suit and Freddy Mercury Kermit some white pants and a fake mustache??

KIDDING.  Hopefully all money is going to the homeless first... and then to the puppet wardrobe.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: let's get some shoes

It's weird how having less income just makes me want to spend more of it.  I could really use these boots:

And this jacket-y cape:

And this turntable:

Oh yeah, and some fancy vodka.

andrea: i have one more purchase today, my booze

 me: yeah i think i'm actually buying some today too

  i earned it this week

 andrea: i'm gonna make jalapeno lime spritzers with tequila

 me: ooooh

 andrea: I just fuckin went nuts

 me: what do you add besides the spicy tequila?

 andrea: and i still want to do mani/pedi this weekend

  and buy espadrilles

  i have problems

 me: no no, you have styel

or.. style

  i don't know what styel is

  maybe a fancy vodka

 i'm going to the bank

  i'm going to call you so we can talk about shopping

 andrea: do

  it

Oh my god, SHOES!

Yay for quitters!

This article about quitting is making me feel a little better about taking the leap from my secure-yet-boring job.  If only I knew what it is I'm supposed to be independently creating.

As a creative person, you’ve been given the ability to build things from nothing by way of hard work over long periods of time. Creation is a deeply personal and rewarding activity, which means that your Work should also be deeply personal and rewarding. If it’s not, then something is amiss.

Creation is entirely dependent on ownership.

Ownership not as a percentage of equity, but as a measure of your ability to change things for the better. To build and grow and fail and learn. This is no small thing. Creativity is the manifestation of lateral thinking, and without tangible results, it becomes stunted. We have to see the fruits of our labors, good or bad, or there’s no motivation to proceed, nothing to learn from to inform the next decision. States of approval and decisions-by-committee and constant compromises are third-party interruptions of an internal dialog that needs to come to its own conclusions.

Read the whole thing here.

(Discovered by way of Kottke.)

Livin' the dream

It's real.  It's my first day of being mostly-unemployed where I have absolutely nothing to do.  Actually my first "official" day as a free woman was last Friday and I celebrated by sleeping in and eventually eating a ginormous brunch at around 3pm while watching Working Girl on HBO.  Oh, the irony!

But today... it feels strange to have no plans.  Well, I do have some plans to go to a dance class and then maybe a UCB show tonight, but the daytime is wide open.  I'm realizing "oh yeah, this is that time I said I was going to use to find a new job."  Or at least "be productive." 

To my credit, I did get up at 9am and took a shower, put on real clothes, and got out of the house.  I went to the nearest Starbucks - mainly for free AC and wireless, but also so I could get "focused."  (I'm throwing a lot of quotation marks around, I know - imagine them as obnoxious air quotes.)

I came in with the intention of writing... stuff.  I was at least going to put together some stuff for the upcoming Moth slams, but I got halfway through a story and stalled.  So now I'm the cliche unemployed "artist" sitting in a New York City Starbucks with writer's block.  But blogging counts as productivity, right?

At least you can probably expect more blogging from me as I continue to procrastinate adult responsibilities.  And more of this:

Good god, someone please give me a writing assignment.

OK BYE

Last day of work!!!!  I stole a bottle of wine!!  Shoulda taken 10! 

See ya, suckaaaas!

August freaks me out

I can feel fall creeping up on me like a cold cold drunken homeless person.  I need to remind myself that summer ain't over yet.  Here are some highlights of my summer so far:

Yes, that last pic is a highlight.  Because I'm tearing that sad, self-made, motivational poster off my wall.  Because I quit my job.  Because... it's time for something better.

WOW these photos make my life look boring.  I promise to get rowdy over the next three weeks.

Happy summer, friends.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: powhiskey?

 
I just wrapped up yet another weekend of living far beyond my means.  It was totally worth it, as most extravagant weekends are, but I'm hurting.  I could use a po' man's anything right now (but not extra pores, thanks).

andrea: there are no jobs for me

  i'm going to resort to killing myself

 molly: no no, don't do that!

  who will cut my bangs for me?

  and offer fashion advice via ichat??

andrea: oh dear

  good popint

 popint!

molly: is that like the po' man's pint?

  "i'll have a popint of bud"

 andrea: yes!

  that's what I need...

 molly: me too

  but not bud

andrea: more like a poredstripe

 molly: HAAA

  sounds like "with pores"