Oh God I'm still alive

Andrea recently posted this on her Tumblr, but I have to steal it and re-blog it here because HOLY SHIT I think I choreographed this in my past life:


Or maybe I was one of those backup dancers in a past life.  Also: hot nails, David.

Agreed

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: dreams do come true

On days when I am feeling directionless and questioning my life choices, I like to try and remember how far I've come.  Sure, I'm slowly eating through my savings account, spending late nights watching cartoons and drinking whiskey, and my bedroom is covered in piles of mail and clothing BUT at least I'm not still job searching, right??

And I'm thinking positively for Andrea, too.  Sure, it sucks that she spends most days hanging out with a toddler and her closet doesn't hold all of her clothes BUT at least she has an iPhone!  See?  Things aren't so bad, people!  Unless you're reading this over someone's shoulder in a Starbucks because you're homeless.  That is bad.

me:i'm pretty sure i'm not getting that BAM job and it's killing my spirit

andrea: why? did the interview go badly?

 me: not terribly, but i haven't heard a peep from them and the interview was last monday

 i have a feeling they think i'm underqualified

 andrea: underqualified?

  that's boo hockey

 me: ha! boo hockey!

  yeah, i guess, but i keep thinking of other things i could have thrown into the interview that i didn't

  poo

 i'm sure they're interviewing a ton of people though

 andrea: yeah, a week ago is not that long

 did they give you a time frame for hiring at all?

 me: they said as soon as possible

  and the original ad said mid-august :(

 andrea: lame

 everyone's lame

  were the two best people for everything and noone wants to help us

  everyone's a JERK

 me: i KNOW!

 jerkface america!

 andrea: jerkface WORLD

  i just want a place to LIVE

  I want a JOB

  i want the world to stop making me TYPE IN CAPS

me: HATE IT!andrea: ugh. i just want an iphone and some new boots

Actually, Andrea probably does still want some new boots.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: I'm drunk at Voooogue

I've had a lot of beers.  And I just made the the best improvised tofu-rancheros-inspired scramble ever.  And I'm still poor.  And I'm never getting off this couch.  Aaaaaand drug segue:

andrea: Dude, I woke up this morning with such a migraine I thought I might not be able to come this weekend

  It was draaaaaammmz

  But I'm all drugged up and i feel a babillion better now

  Boom

  Deugs

Drugs!

  Yes.

Oh and this:

Good news/bad news

I'll jump right to it:

Good news: I got a job!!  This will be me in about a month:

That's right, I'm gonna work at the 5th Avenue Apple Store!  As... a part time... cashier!  I know, retail, but it's APPLE.  If that's not gonna eventually force me into an iPhone, I don't know what will.  I have to wait a month because their training schedule doesn't match up with mine very easily (who knew unemployment would make me even busier than before??), but I should be able to start training on 12/11.  Yay discount!

The bad news: I did not get Jens Lekman tickets.  :( :( :(

There are not enough sad emoticons to fully express how I feel.  He even added a second show and it sold out in roughly TWO MINUTES!  I know because they were released at noon, I clicked the link at 12:01, it turned out to be the wrong link so I scrambled back to the right one at 12:02, and then they were sold out.  CURSESSSSS!!!!

If anyone reading this has a spare ticket to sell me, you can be the first to abuse my Apple discount.  Sweet deal, right??

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: in YOUR face!

I am in the midst of another one of my semi-monthly goddam-I-overbooked-my-life freakouts so I'll let this one speak for itself while I continue to write drunk emails.  You're welcome!

andrea: i want a lollipop

  i want a cuuuupcake

  i want some COTTON CANDY

  in my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace

  ...

  ...

  did you like my song?

  i wrote it for you

 you're my inspiration

 me: not in your mouth? just rubbed all over your face? that's weird

  oh, well then

  it does sound like something i'd sing

 andrea: not ON my face

  IN my face

 me: in your pores?

andrea: no, in my mouthy part of face

  MOUTH FACE

 me: oohhhh wellllll thennnn

 andrea: yup yup yup

 win win win

  zing ziing zing

  ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnng

My Super Sweet Jens Lekman

It worked!  Jens Lekman is coming back to NYC!!

I shrieked aloud when I saw this in my inbox last night:

Hi everyone,

I had some stuff to do in New York this winter so I figured I might as well do a small solo show while I'm there since it's been so long.
It will be special and maybe we can have one of those house parties afterwards, like we had last time?
If my friends neighbors are cool with that, I'll let you know.

NYC
December 10th, 2010
Brooklyn
New York, USA
Green Building on Union
450 Union St
Brooklyn, NY 11231

Doors: 8pm
Stage: 9:30pm

There's 400 tickets - $17 adv / $20 door
Tickets here
Currently it's 18+, we're looking into ways of solving this so anyone can go but can't promise anything.

I'm totes buying a ticket.  You should all get one too.  And DUH, Jens, of COURSE we should have a house party afterwards!

You're welcome, New York!  It was alllllll me.

MADE

Have I mentioned that I'm being slowly crafted in a hip hop star?  It's true.  The sassy Bev Brown has me wrapped around her finger so hard that I decided to get in on her current performance workshop.  On paper, it's an eight-week workshop that ends with a performance at Alvin Ailey right after Thanksgiving.  In reality, it's hip hop boot camp - well, for me, at least.  I go to Bev's regular class about once a week, but now I'm going to the workshop class every Saturday plus one to two more during the week, depending on what I can afford.  We're doing at least seven numbers (although not the full songs) and while the choreography is similar if not exactly the same as what we do in class, we're expected to pick it up much faster.

This song in particular is the bane of my existence (this is best version I can find... ignore the skanky pics... unless you don't want to, perv):


Don't get me wrong, I love the song itself - especially all the random guest stars involved - (Bon Iver??) but the Nicki Minaj part that we're busting moves to (starting around 3:30) is killing me.  The moves are so fast that I look like a big flailing mess and I'm psyching myself out about it.  I've got 16 days to master this shit.  Oh, and to find some "sexy shorts" to wear in the show.  Errrgghhh.  I swear, I am living this episode of "Made."

Send good vibes, people.  And if you're in New York City over Thanksgiving, send yourself.  Really, how many chances do you have to see me get all ghetto while I'm sober AND have good choreo on my side?

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: hip-unemployed-ster

See what I did there?  I stuck "unemployed" in the middle of the word "hipster"!  Get it?  "Hip-unemployed-ster"??  It's the caption for this hot photo:

I was originally posting it as an example of what my life has become now that I am officially, for real real, no joke, DONE with CAP21.  I declared on October 28 that I wasn't coming back and I have upheld the promise.  Now I'm spending lots of time hanging out in a big sweater that keeps my neck warm and drinking cheap beer.  But then I uploaded that photo and scoffed at myself.  Really, Molly?  A striped seventies mom sweater?  Bangs all up in your eyes?  Visible (albeit backwards) Jukebox the Ghost poster in the background?  PBR??  You hipster fuck.  (However: can we acknowledge how awesome that nail polish is?  It matches the can!!)

So... yeah.  Oops.  I'm keeping it there so you can scoff at what my life has become right along with me.  Let's consider it a caption contest.  If you can think of something better than "hip-unemployed-ster," you win a prize.  Probably something lazily homemade.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I never had a proper going-away party...

me: drunk

  at

  work

 andrea: You devil

 How are you getting drunk at work?

me: we just signed the lease for moving onto the 5th floor and had cake and champys

  and i pretended it was my going away party

 andrea: HAHAHAHAHAHA

  yes.

 me: so of course it was GREAT

PS: I still have all the office keys, CAP21.  If I return them can I get my soul back?

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Facebook school

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.  The pros include inviting many people at once to events when I don't want to use a phone, updating my status with pretentious song lyrics, and - of course - stalking people from high school.  The cons, however, are just as numerous: getting tagged in awful photos, people babbling about virtual farm animals, and... ok, people updating their statuses with pretentious song lyrics.  But BAD ones!  Blergh.  I feel like an old person in a rocking chair when I tell people how I long for the days when Facebook was just for college students to track down that dude from Geology class and post hilarious photos from the dorm.

For now I'm still neutral about Facebook, but it seems to be a trend among some of my friends to quit altogether and delete their accounts.  Is this the new cool thing to do?  Subvert the standard?  Drea seems to think so.

me: ummmm did jamien have a baby??

 andrea: i know she was preggers

  maybe she popped

  why?

  is facebook telling you tales?

 me: yup

  i'm inviting people to something so can't click on her profile yet, but i noticed her photo was a baby

  i had no idea she was knocked up

 man, i HATE that

  you are not your baby!

  don't make your photo of your kid!

 andrea: I KNOW

  people are so stupid

 me: although i also just noticed that my friend joel changed his photo to lindsay lohan's mugshot

  he wins

 andrea: i win

me: no, you can't win if you forfeit the game

  LADY

 andrea: no, that's the secret

  that's how you win at facebook

 me: whatevs

 be all too-cool-for-school

andrea: I've always been too cool for school

  duh

  duh

  duh

Well DUH right back at you because if it weren't for Facebook, we wouldn't have Lamebook.  Also, I wouldn't have found this old gem:

Thanks, Mr. Zuckerberg, for keeping my drunk-in-public moments precious.