whew

In my moment of panic last Friday, I actually wrote Jelly Belly:

Your Question :Does the bacon flavor contain real meat extracts? Because
that's scary when you're a vegetarian and you're eating an assortment in the
dark.

They wrote back today:

Our Solution :
Thank you for visiting our site. We hope the following information
answers your question.
Thank you for your e-mail.
Bertie Bott's does not
contain real bacon; however, our sardine Bertie Bott's jelly beans are
flavored with cod liver oil.

OK, I feel a little better. But, ew, don't eat the sardine flavor.

oh my god bacon. or garlic.

OK, since I decided I couldn't sleep without really discovering the truth, I had to check out the official Jelly Belly website.

And, holy crap, Jelly Belly is the manufacturer of those psycho crazy Harry Potter-esque Bertie Bott's and they have a BACON FLAVOR!! Oh god I need to bleach out my mouth.

BUT, I figure that Economy Candy would not be that mean and mix the Bertie Bott's beans in with the standard Jelly Belly assortment. Right??? Because in that case, it very well may be one of their "rookie" flavors, Roasted Garlic. But still, WHO WOULD WANT A GARLIC JELLYBEAN? Probably just the same stupid ten-year-old that wants a bacon-flavored one. The fact is, neither should be a jellybean.

So, yeah, no idea if I ate a Bacon one or a Roasted Garlic one (or three), but either way I will never eat Jelly Bellys in a darkened movie theatre again. And I need a lot of Listerine right now.

For Dreaface

I'm finally writing again because I have something to write about. OK, maybe two things. OK, actually two and a half.

1) I have a JOB, people. A real job. OK, kind of a real job but at least a real job in the sense that it's not an internship. I'm going to be a front desk assistant at CAP21, a cool studio/conservatory/performance space that I am too lazy to explain right now. That's why I take the time to post LINKS. Yay. Yeah, the pay and hours aren't ideal to start with, but it's a good starting point for NYC and it helps that it's full of crazy artist/theatre people just like me. Plus, as I was leaving my interview they were all really excited to show me their new coffeemaker and shelving units. I know it doesn't sound that exciting, but trust me, these are my people.

2) I saw The Science of Sleep today, which was pretty f-ing amazing. Michel Gondry is my hero. But I can't even begin to describe the film without sounding like I'm high. Go see it! Oh, and...

2.5) While watching I ate way too many Jelly Bellys and three times I swear I chomped on a bacon-flavored one. WHAT?? This can't be happening.

sick

I feel like a five-year-old.

Due to the plague that has invaded my body I have been subsisting on primarily the following: saltines, Cheerios, applesauce, soup, juice, and popsicles. Ignore the fact that I wash it all down with green tea and I could be back in preschool. At least in preschool it's completely accepted to fall down on the floor and take a nap.

Luckily I have the Sudafed-induced heart palpitations to keep me alert.

Thank you, Byrne Dairy

Today I bought ten ice cream sandwiches for only $1.99! That's right folks, TEN melty, sugary, dairy confections for only TWO bucks. And THEN I found out that today (ok, yesterday, since it's now after midnight) is National Ice Cream Sandwich Day! It was meant to be. AND they even got whisked to a freezer without serious meltage en route. Now I need to just not eat them all by myself.

Sadly, I think that's the most exciting thing that's happened to me all week.

for real real, not for play play

No more denial, I need a job in the fall. For serious. And a JOB job, not....Starbucks. Although it may come down to that. Not to knock all of you working at Starbucks - they make a tasty cup o' joe - but I'd rather do something related to, you know, my actual college degree. But seeing as how I majored in Theatre, maybe I just need to suck it up and make cappucinos for awhile. Wow I really want some coffee now.

I wanted to go see one of the side project shows that starts in about a half hour, but I just got a call from one of the lighting designers saying that she's about a half hour away. Which means that I have to go meet her, as I am the only one in the office. Funny how that always conveniently happens to me. I mean, why do I actually have to work when I just want to run away to watch some weird show written by a sound designer-turned-wannabe-playwright involving a giant duct tape-covered knife? WHY?? Hmmm, maybe this is why I can't find my ideal job.

Joy

Dark chocolate-covered espresso beans are the only things keeping me alive right now. Seriously.

black is the new black

The pimping story:
It was not quite a cupcake, not quite beautiful, but still worth the effort. And still quite tasty, actually.

If I had a digital camera, I could show you the glory, but you'll have to imagine it. Or someone with pictures on their cell should figure out how to upload them and send them to me *ahem*andreaandrebecca*ahemhmm*.

I should have known it was going to all go downhill when we decided to make the top icing blue. There was much arguing over whether it should be a golden-yellow or a chocolate-brown so we went with blue instead ... for springtime. Or Independence Day - minus the red. Or something. ANYWAY, it turns out that I was thinking of the golden-orange cupcakes and Rebecca was thinking of the golden cupcakes with chocolate icing, which I truly swear I have never seen. Maybe it's a city thing. I still declare no victories in this argument. The hardest part of the construction was getting the layers to stand up once we cut out the middle for the creamy filling (which, in my opinion, was the best and dreamiest part). By the time we got the top on and haphazardly made the trademark swirl, it collapsed. Then it was just gross.

Overall: an exciting, sugary, messy, beautiful time. Do it yourself. Just add beer.

And in other news, I dyed my hair BLACK. That's right, I'm all Ashlee-Simpson-trying-to-be-punk. Before the nose job. No ... I'm just an evil version of my original self.

Oh MAN

So look what I JUST found:

Another brilliant idea already taken.

Damn.

I'm gonna pimp a sna-ack!

Forget job searching - my latest project is SNACK PIMPING! Thanks to the fine Brits who brought us Pimp That Snack (formerly Pimp My Snack, until Viacom got their panties all in a twist), I - with a little help from my friends - am going to pimp out my own snack. OK, it was really Andrea's idea to attempt such a feat, but I'm taking credit for showing her the site...kinda...OK, via The Girl Who Ate Everything. Whatever, I'm taking some credit.

I really wanted to make a pimped-out Pop Tart, since Pop Tarts are the epitome of all that is wonderful in the world of junk food, but apparently someone already beat me to it. So...instead we will attempt to pimp the all-American HOSTESS CUPCAKE. No, no, not attempt. We WILL. And hopefully I will be able to snag someone's digital camera to document it all.

We will of course be pimping the original chocolate kind, not it's inferior golden cousin.

Let the games begin.

Oh man, now I really want a Pop Tart.

bored bored and boring

Boss is gone.

Sky is raining.

I am poor.

Nowhere to go.

Everything is boring.

Hell, why did I even get dressed today?

Ain't no party like a theatre people party...

You know you're at a good party when:

-You are drinking Grey Goose that you didn't pay for out of a red plastic cup without a mixer
-People start jamming on an accordian
-A Lab actor serenades you on guitar with a personalized song about dinosaurs
-The sound engineer gives you a "crack vial" as a little gift for you to keep
-You dance on a table to David Bowie - and it's a slow song (this should really happen at any party)
-You start a Waiting For Guffman quoting war with the wardrobe guy
-You are able to keep refilling said plastic cup without the drunken purchaser ever noticing
-Straight girls start making out with each other

OK, maybe not that last one. That's actually a good indicator of when it's time to leave.

Aaaand scene.

I'm falling apart arrrgraraarghhhhh

My filling fell out yesterday for NO GOOD REASON. Was I eating something outrageously chewy and sticky like a month-old Starburst? No. Was I trying to open beer bottles with my molars? No. Was I prying at it with pieces of abrasive metal? Hell no. It just fell out. Like that. Well....I actually don't know what it was like because I didn't really witness it happen. I just suddenly felt a weird gaping part in the side of my tooth where a little silver thing used to be. I was tempted to ignore it and pretend it never happened, but I can't be in denial for too long.

And the worst part is that, being an uninsured poor intern-on-a-stipend-pay, it's going to cost $94 JUST for the exam. Who knows what the new filling itself would cost. Probably $838,038,328. Yeah. This sucks.

Bring on the comments

OK people, I've decided to be generous and open up my comments box to all who feel like leaving me comments. Because I am lonely without comments. But I also hate spammers, so I hope I've set it up properly to keep them away. Spammers, be gone!!

In other news, I am quietly seething while my dad is hijacking the TV in the other room. I was all ready to finish watching Malcolm X (yeah...I fell asleep before finishing it last night...it's frickin' long, OK??), but before I could get there he decides to watch some PBS thing full of violins and opera singers. I'm all for PBS, and even some singing, but this is damn boring. Give me my Spike Lee.

This is why I can't wait for my job to start. I can't wait to be independent again. But....who knows if I will even have TV.

PS: Because this blog is also supposed to be about my unstoppable consumption of sugar, I will confess that I had ice cream for breakfast today. And LIKED it. Well...until I felt guilty and ate a big bowl of fruit and flaxseed. And no, I did not explode.....yet.

Hey intern!

I am a lazy bum. I am so lazy that I do not take the 3 or so minutes it takes to update my blog, even though I am usually online half the day. I'll admit, I spend most of my free internet time laughing at The Girl Who Ate Everything, which never ceases to entertain me. Read it! You will never go back ... um, unless you're going back to my blog because I'm still cool.

Well, the real reason I haven't updated my blog is because nothing interesting was happening in my life (unless you think me sitting at home slowly getting fatter from my cereal addiction is interesting...in which case you are weird). Nothing interesting until NOW! Dun dun DUN! I have a JOB. Ok....I actually have an internship, which is like a job, but doesn't pay like a real job. But that's ok, because there's theatre and free housing involved! And driving-of-cars-that-are-not-mine! I'm going to be a Company Management Intern at the Hangar Theatre and I'm starting this very weekend! Which sucks a little, because now I have to get off my cereal-fattened ass and pack, but is overall GREAT because, holy shit, I'm leaving NH and I don't have to work at the mall all summer!! Yahoooo!

In other news, Audrey is back. Yes, Audrey, not a replacement Audrey. Why? Because Apple hates me, that's why. They decided the battery was fine and they wanted to make me waste $29.95 on shipping to tell me that. While also erasing all of her contents and making me download and re-install everything. Losers.

Tears for Audrey :(

Oh the pain, the sadness, the torture. My beloved iPod, Audrey, is gone. The battery got all stupid and wouldn't charge anymore so I had to send her to some mysterious Apple place in LA to get repaired. BUT, little did I know, Apple will not merely replace the battery, no no, they replace the entire iPod! That is pretty damn cool...although this battery better last longer because I barely had the thing for a year. But STILL, it means that I am without any iPod until my new one comes. It is a living hell. I only sent it out yesterday, but I keep wistfully gazing out my window in the hope that the DHL man will magically appear with my new baby, like a yellow-clad stork. Or something. I'll have to think of a smashing name for the new one.




The other living hell is UNEMPLOYMENT, as all the other unemployed out there know. At least I get to live with my parents (yay?) and get free food and stuff, but I did not think this would be lasting longer than a month. And I've been home for a month and a DAY exactly.
I was suddenly on a new self-confidence kick yesterday, thinking "hey, I've just got to be really strict, set time limits, and spend about 5 hours a day searching and sending resumes online." But I already feel like I've reached the end of the internet. Or the end of my brain patience.
I dug out my trusty copy of What Color Is Your Parachute? (a perfect graduation gift, by the way) seeking some guidance, but instead found the statistic that "the success rate of trying to find a job through the Internet turns out to be only 4% (yikes!)." Yes, "yikes" indeed.
So now I'm just depressed again. There's a part of me that thinks this book wasn't meant for Theatre majors. Whatever, I'm going to get away from the computer and absorb everything on the "life-changing job hunt" anyway.

Rain rain go away

You would think that this crap weather would make me feel like I was still in London but ... no. It just feels like disgusting, freezing-almost-snow-like, New Hampshire rain. Blah. There are no other London-type attributes to found here either. No pubs, no brick buildings, no crusty minicab drivers, no Topshop, not even any streetlights or sidewalks. Because I live in the middle of NOWHERE. *Ahem,* my parents live in the middle of nowhere; I am simply mooching off them until I get a job and/or a place to live. Far, far from here, I hope.

I almost bought a copy of the Village Voice today in the hope that it would magically bestow a hip NYC job and hip NYC apartment on me. But then I realized I was about to pay $2.75 for something I could look up online using the internet service that I don't have to pay for. Yes, there is a plus to this sheltered confinement.

crankypants

Yes, I am a cranky mess today. Only four hours of work and I just wanted to shoot myself during each hour. OK, maybe not SHOOT myself, but it was seriously the slowest and crankiest four hour shift I've ever worked. So I had a Starbucks cappuccino (tall, skinny, hazelnut) when I got out and now feel a bit better. What? Food as reward? And from a giant corporate chain? Hell yes. So there.

I left the house with £5 in my wallet today and I am making the most of it:
£2.15 on the cappuccino (yes, rip off, but I LIKED IT)
£1 to be spent on a ticket to see Corpse Bride at the cheap-on-Fridays old-skool movie house in Chinatown
Leaving £2.85 to spend on CANDY from the Trocadero! Wheee! Although I hope to spend no more than £1.50, because that would be a sickening amount of candy. I have literally been looking forward pick 'n' mix and movies all day long. It is my light at the end of the tunnel. Sad but true.

Seeing as it is Bertolt Brecht's birthday, I will leave you (if you're really out there) with a quote from him:

And please make
My curtain half-height, don't cut the stage off.
Leaning back, let the spectator
Notice the busy preparations being so
Ingeniously made for him, a metallic moon
Comes swinging down, a shingle roof
Is carried in; don't show him too much
But show something. And let him observe
That this is not magic but
Work, my friends.

Genius.

lunch land?

I just had a brilliant idea: I should create an indoor park in the middle of Oxford St. where people like me who hate the cold and hate their "staff canteens" can spend their lunch hour! Genius! It's so nice when it's summer and you can take your lunch outside into the greenery and bask in the sunlight while you eat a PB&J (or, more likely here, a Marmite & cheese). But who wants to do that when it's cold? Crazy muppet people, that's who! So I'm going to knock out one of those crap discount stores on Oxford St. and build an indoor park instead, filled with central heating and oak trees and a swingset. Um...and some benches for those losers who wouldn't want to enjoy the artificial grass. In retrospect, this sounds like a converted McDonald's Playland. Perhaps I will call it Lunchland?

In other news, Orlando Bloom came into the store today and I MISSED IT. Poo. Ah well, he was probably surrounded by a swarm of 15-year-olds in leggings anyway. He was in the Gift Room so I like to imagine he was buying something....leather. Perhaps a keychain. Or not.

toes are froze

OK, I know I complain about the cold all the time and I'm probably actually a reptile because I'm always 20 degrees colder than all humans, but IT'S FUCKING COLD. And still no snow, just COLD, the kind that hurts your back because you contract your body in an attempt to hide from it. Which never works.

Anyway.

What I really wanted to write today was:
Rest In Peace Wendy Wasserstein
Yes it's true, the comedic genius Wendy Wasserstein has died. I'll confess, I haven't read every single one of her plays, but I became particularly partial to her after directing Medea, which she co-wrote with Christopher Durang (comic genius x TWO!). She was pretty damn cool.

OK, my toes are too cold to write more. I hate internet cafes ... at least this one only charges 50p per hour. Hell yes. Time to go buy some chocolate.

[insert title here]

I subscribe to an email newsletter about upcoming theatre and film jobs in London (ha, like i qualify for any of them) and this was the description given for one of the acting jobs:

BILL IS A BOXER IN HIS EARLY - MID THIRTIES. HE IS WHITE AND BODY - SHAPED.

What, pray tell, is body-shaped? Aren't we all body-shaped? Doesn't this mean any white man could play Bill? Hmmm.

In other news, my ushering job is suspended for a month in between shows so now I suddenly have my nights free. *Gasp*. What the hell do I do with myself? I contemplated getting another temp job, since I only work 20 hours a week at Liberty, but that's just too much work and I'm lazy. I'm going to be a bum and wander around London again, but this time actually see and do all the things I've been meaning to see and do. Um, all the cheap and/or free things, really. Hopefully I will still have a social life.

It is almost the Chinese New Year so I went (with my one Chinese friend ... I need more diversity) to Chinatown and bought cakes last night. The red bean kind with the flaky crust are ok, but I think they may be made with lard and that's scary so I may not eat them ever again. The mooncakes are the best; they look nothing like the moon but they're still so damn fancy.