DCM 12: Let's rock this rodeo

Today is day one of the Del Close Marathon at UCB and I am PUMPED.  It's weird - at this time last year I was even more inside the UCB bubble than I am now.  I was interning, taking classes, and seeing shows all the time.  Now, with my team on an indefinite hiatus (tears!) and my internship done, I haven't been to any shows in a long long time and I feel totally out of the loop.  Still, maybe I'll have a different sort of love and appreciation for everything now that I'm coming at it from the "outside."

I did pass Matt Besser on the street yesterday and my improv nerd radar went off like WHOA.  I think I'm ready.  Plus I'm working a box office shift that starts tonight and goes into the wee hours of the morning so that should get me back on the wagon pretty fast.  Man, I'm sucking at analogies right now.

Whatever.  Watch this:

Upright Citizens Brigade
Shut UP!
www.comedycentral.com
Roast of David Hasselhoff Big Lake It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Don't fuck with the babysitter

Reason #147 why Andrea is a full-time babysitter and I am not:

andrea: How do you say to a child, "I don't know how to care about your bullshit?"

me: "hey, why don't you go count all the threads in this carpet while i drink some vodka??! nope, do it silently"

I only want to babysit if Thor and Freddy Mercury are involved:

JERRYYYYYY

YOU GUYS.  THINGS ARE TERRIBLE.  I do not have an iPod today.  I rode the subway in silence and walked down the streets to the sound of city noise and people.  I'm dying.

You see, I made a very simple attempt to sync Jerry this morning by plugging him into my laptop - easy peasy.  (And yes, my iPod is a man and his name is Jerry.  He is named after the rabbi who helped me afford to buy him.  Long story.  Deal with it.)  HOWEVER.  Jerry would not sync up.  I realized the screen was frozen so I held down the magic buttons to restart it.

And then there was an awful blip, a blip like when you shut off an old TV set and there's a flash and then nothing but one horizontal line across the screen.  My iTunes suddenly threw a prompt at me that I needed to download restoration software.  OH CRAP.

Essentially, Jerry somehow erased his entire contents and I had to restore the factory settings and reload his entire being.  Frightening, sure, but doable.  Unless, like me at that moment, you are already late for work and you can't sit and watch all 50-60gb slowly reload.  I was torn.  If Jerry had hands, I would sit and hold them, but I alas - all I could do was hope it would be OK and run out the door, sans soundtrack.

I don't know how this happened.  Is it because the last album I was listening to was Siamese Dream and Jerry got too angsty and tried to kill himself?  Or maybe I'm just being taught a lesson, a challenge to live my life without constantly DJing the background music.  Luckily I'm at work now where I can listen to endless internet music, but what about when I have to leave?  How will I walk to the bank without "Sandcastle Disco?"  How will I survive the subway ride home without some Bowie??  I just might not.  What if I get home and Jerry's DEAD???

Hold me.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: the cooking show edition

I just ran into my friend/neighbor/co-worker/partner-in-bad-pun-making Michael at the grocery store.  I surprised him by holding a jar of the finest salsa in front of his head until he looked at it.  Then we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: "I need Drano and celery"

Michael: "I need water and beer"

Long pause...

Michael: "This is sad... OK bye!"

And then I went home to eat vegetables and hummus and salsa and Triscuits and beer (I bought more than I intended... damn impulse buys) which I am still consuming while listening to the amazing new Books album.  If only Andrea was online to make funnies and coach me through cooking something awesome, maybe I wouldn't be feeling like such a lazy butt right now.

andrea:

so i just went to this bbq and drank a bunch of jam wine

and now i'm soooo sleepy

  and its ten

  i rule

plus, i can't reach the lamp from my bed here, so i'm just here in the dark talking to you and watching weeds

 me: ha!

  i'm still listening to old mixtapes

  and about to cook a bunch of stuff for the week

  like... rice? i guess?

meh

 andrea: mix herbs in with it and make green rice!

  delicious

  cooking for the weekissmart

  i'm waaaaay too tired for that

me: it's more motivating when i'm the only one home and can blast music while i do it

andrea: yeah, i think my roommate is cookingfor the week right now actually

  roommatesmakeme uncomfortable

  iwantadog

and for my space bar to stop acting like an idiot

 me: ha!

  i just read that as if you were mumbling it really fast

also, you're a genius, i'm totally making cilantro-scallion rice

 andrea: boom

  doesn't that sound so much more exciting than regular rice?

  zesty!

me: totes

 andrea: squirt some lime juice in there

  ole!

me: oooh i actually have the end of a lime to use up!

 andrea: i am a genius

 me: also: what a good reason to have a shot of tequila!

 andrea: yes!

  teamwork!

  blue sky solutioneering!

 me: haaaa

ooops.... moldy lime :(

 andrea: lame!

  lame lime

  HA

 me: HAAAA i was just going to write that!

When theatre nerds and comedy nerds unite...

Just when I was starting to get all hater on Facebook, my friend Sarah posts this on my page.  Ignore the last 15 seconds when they advertise Role Models; get your mind blown in the first 1:35 where David Wain and Paul Rudd sing fucking LES MISERABLES! 

All my ladies pop yo backs wit it! (Amiright, ladies? Yes?)

Do you think Cherish has room for one more fly dancer?  I mean, I do have a bellybutton ring that I could attach more bling to.  And I do know how to move my... knees.  Keep me in mind, ladies...

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: this just in!

I was totally about to post a real lazy, cop-out Widget and Sassoon about sending Andrea a sandwich via carrier pigeon, but then we had a better conversation right THIS very moment.  Eat it up:

andrea: too. much. real. housewives.

 me: clueless. on. HBO.

 andrea: oh MAN

  I WISH

  YOU WIN

  i'm so jealous

 me: it JUST started too, which means i'm never going to bed

  poor dead brittany murphy :(

 andrea: so mad

  oh shit, you just took it there

 me: yup

Also, I totally forgot Jeremy Sisto cameos in this as that creepster "snob-and-a-half" Elton!  What!

Yup.  Watching this all night and then waking up and wearing a headband.

Happy Birthday, Sasspants!

Ringo Starr is 70 today!  Nobody puts Ringo in the corner:

Don't lose your sass, Mr. Starkey.  Also, I hope you get a cake shaped like bongo drums.

Study up for a Ringo quiz bowl here.

OK FINE, AMC!

"Oh puh-lease, Don, don't give me that look - are you telling me you've never vomited in a subway trashcan?  Come on, let's go get Peggy drunk..."

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: I also like Heinz baked beans, suckahs

I think a Marmite and cheese would actually be a lovely addition to this slightly-hungover, lying-on-the-couch-in-my-underwear, watching-Independence-Day-moment that I'm having.  Wash that down with your haterade, Dreaface!

 andrea: what's a marmite and cheese?

 molly: umm.... like the sandwich?

 or do you mean what's marmite and what's cheese?

 andrea: i think?

 molly: because if so, lady, you gotta put down the vaporizer

  (can you put down a vaporizer??)

  (SO TIRED)

 andrea: you can put down mine

 me too

  marmite and cheese, yes

  please define

 molly: i feel like i'm operating on a zombie level

 andrea: me too, i'm just lying here, too paralyzed by fatigue to walk the two blocks back to my house

 because Joe and Pat are sitting on the end of the bed playing video games

  until the end of time

  but now i need to know what a marmite and cheese is

 molly: i'm very tempted to have some coffee, but that might be bad

 andrea: because i read it in one of your old posts

  and all i can think about is vegemite and cheese

  and that sounds gross

  no coffee at 11:30

 BAD

 molly: that's pretty much it

 andrea: EW

 molly: marmite = brit vegemite

 andrea: WHY?

 molly: and it's GREAT

 andrea: why would anyone EAT that?

  no!!!!

 molly: behold the power of google: http://www.marmite.com/love/sarnies/

 andrea: i thought about goggling it, but then i thought i'd rather ask you

 molly: yay! i've trumped google!!

  take that, internet!!

andrea: ew, AND butter?

  gahhhh

  (the marmite page finally loaded)

molly: marmite is SO good on buttered toast

  you don't know what you're missing

 andrea: hee heee heee

  they have a hate version of their page

  that is guh-rate

Blah blah, America, blah blah, GERRY BAMMAN!

Yay, America, it's your birthday, let's drink beers and light things on fire!  Sure, I'm happy to have an extra-long weekend of lounging around in minimal clothing and eating grilled things, but I have more important news to share.

Last week I went to the opening of A Winter's Tale (half of this summer's Shakespeare in the Park) at the Delacorte and not only did I get a free tote bag and lots of beers, but GERRY BAMMAN was playing Antigonus!  Here he is on the right:

I know, you're thinking "Gerry Whothewhats??"  I wouldn't have recognized him just from his name, but the minute I heard him speak I realized it was fucking UNCLE FRANK.

Yes, the man who voiced Home Alone memorables like "If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses" and "It's real!  It's real crystal!  Put it in your purse" and of course:


I'm sure Gerry is a great guy in real life, but I gotta say, it was kinda fulfilling to see Antigonus get eaten by a bear (even if it was a giant shadow puppet).