PS: the photo thing

I joined the rest of the world and got myself a Flickr account.  Check it out here and on the left sidebar.  So far... I have a lot of labeling and updating to do.  ERGGH.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: this post is rated PG-13 for boob talk

Another short and sweet post today, comrades.  It's almost midnight and I'm cranky and I need to eat my baked potato and take a shower and drink vodka.  What, you want a segue?  Pfffsshht, okay. 

I've continually been talking myself off of ledges for the past few days, sparked especially by my attempts to do my taxes (anyone want to give me Turbo Tax help in exchange for hugs and cookies??) and climaxing today when I accidentally slept in until 11:10am (I'm supposed to be at work at 10:00).  But you know who's the champ of talking me off ledges?  Drea Drea.  Even when I'm irrationally freaking out about my boobs. Sha-BAM.

molly: in other news, i've been paranoid because i've continually had weird chest pains around my heart, but now i think maybe i'm just continually pulling my boob muscle

  can you pull a boob muscle?

  i mean, it seems possible, right?

 andrea: i dunno

 molly: or is it a slowly developing heart attack?

 andrea: i mean, there must be muscle underneath your boob

  heart attacks don't develop slowly silly

 molly: but maybe mine is!

  or it's a stroke!

 andrea: its not a stroke

 molly: i'm benjamin button old!

 andrea: no no no

  you're being ridiculous

 molly: sheesh

 next time i go to the doctor i'm gonna make her explain the musculature of the boob

 but i realized it's the side where i always carry my giant bags so.... yeah

 andrea: that sounds like a very edifying conversation topic

molly: i like to make a doctor feel like they're really earning they're paycheck

 andrea: me too

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: career opportunities

 I think I've reached the peak of quarter life crisis.   I just opened an IRA today (!!) and the fact that I am planning for the days when I will be a sassy old lady is sorta mind-boggling.  I mean, I now have a brokerage account and yet the windows in my bedroom are covered with tapestries being held up by thumbtacks because the thought of sizing and buying and installing blinds is too much for me.  Yeesh.

And of course I still don't know what I'm doing with my life, other than sneakily blogging while pretending to organize files.  Maybe I should have a dance party and invite rich moms and their babies and call it "learning."

 andrea: You'll never guess where I am right now

 molly: ummmmmmm

  a holiday inn breakfast buffet?

  a canoe?

  india?

 andrea: I'm at a baby class for bou-gie moms

  Unreal

 Seriously, I'm gonna kill myself

  I hate my job

 molly: baby yoga?

  i hate mine too

 i want nothing more than to go to the gym and then go home and watch bad movies and drink red wine and make pumpkin cookies

 andrea: Oh no, this is ANOTHER baby class

 molly: good god

 andrea: Because one wasn't enough

 molly: what could babies possibly be learning??

 andrea: Oh my god! I would KILL for that day right now

  Well right now they're learning to pop bubbles

  I guess

 molly: wow

  what a skill

parents PAY for that shit?

  i need to start teaching bougie baby classes

 andrea: You have no idea

 This woman seems like she does a few lines in the changing room and then sucks down some helium before she does this

  You have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices

 

I think could deal with some coke and helium if it means I get to blow bubbles in toddlers' faces all day. 

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Nerdy McNerdpants

Links, cat photos, lolspeak - just another Monday in my brain.

andrea:http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/

molly: oh wow i love it already just for the title

  oh my... is this nsfw?

 or just that first pic?

 andrea: nsfw?

 molly: sorry, not safe for work

 i keep out myself as a message board dork when i use internet speak

  *outing, rather

andrea: yeah, dork

molly: omg i'm toats lol but u <3 me irl

 andrea: irl?

 molly: :) :)

  in real life

 andrea: oh my lord

 molly: i can haz dork prizes!

Cream on the inside, clean on the outside

I just had the best weekend that I've had in a loooong time.  Nothing super exciting, but I did have a four-hour drunken brunch, purchase two awesome rainy-day CDs at Other Music, go to a hip hop class where we danced to this, slept until noon on Sunday, had a great show with Goatbutter last night, and finished everything off with strawberry beer.  Heavenly.

But this, thanks to Andrea, was the cherry on my ice cream sundae of a weekend.  Good luck trying to watch it less than three times in a row:

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: whatEVER, fashion!

Yeah, that's right - we know what's UP, fashion industry!  You're all creating nonsense clothing as part of an evil ploy to make us wear ridiculous no-heeled shoes and diaper pants and then you laugh at us from your cave lair with the TVs where the secret hidden cameras are broadcasting our pratfalls.  Take THAT, fashion week!

What's that?  Fashion week is already old news?  All the shoes had heels?  Oh.

Don't mind me; I'm just trying to hit "publish" before midnight so I can gain a minor sense of accomplishment from meeting my weekly self-imposed deadline.  Alrighty?  Good. 

JEGGINGS!  (No, Rihanna, not even you.)

me: speaking of topshop, my latest newsletter from them says the latest thing is "jeggings"

  jeans + leggings

  JEGGINGS

  what??

 andrea: WHAT?

  NO

  WHY?

  NO

 me: I KNOW

i'm trying to send you a link, but i don't know if it will work

  i'm forwarding the email ad

 andrea: http://blogs.smarter.com/fashion/2009/04/08/fashion-trend-jeggings/

  UUUUUUUUUUGH

 me: you are so fast

  yeah, super ugh

 andrea: jeggings just skyrocketed to the most offensive word in my vocabulary

 me: i'm going to start slipping it into conversation

like an adjective

  "ew, this cheese is so jeggings"

they just look like really cheap kmart jeans for lazy people

 andrea: they're horrible

  i hate them

  i'm mad at topsshop for purveying them

 me: topshop purveys a lot of nonsense

they just luck out because they carry SO much stuff that there is more good than bad

 i remember when topshop was the first that i noticed to carry "harem pants" and i was all no no no no wtf

 andrea: ll the harem pantds should be burned

  NOBODY looks good in harem pants

  or jeggings for that matter

I have a fancy camera! I'm taking bad photos of stuff!

I have never even owned a digital camera and now here I am with a Nikon D40 (thanks Dave!) trying to figure out how to zoom in and out.  Here's how I'm practicing:

I guess this means I should open one of them there "Flickr" accounts the kids speak of.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: I'll be there for youuuuuuu

Drea, I really wish you were on a bus on your way here right this second, even if it does make you cranky.  I could use a night of beer and tacos and "Friends" references.  We don't have to make out, just dance a lot.  I guess I can still be Ross - Phoebe and Monica are lamesauce.

And maybe I'll figure out this whole underwear thing.

andrea: This is a neverending hell beast bus, and I want a beer and a taco, and I'm getting cranky

molly: if it's any consolation, i just discovered i've been wearing my underwear inside out all day

  do you think you're running late?

andrea: AHAHAHAHSHA

  No, were rapidly approaching the bronx

  andrea: Thanks iPhone , for always letting me, and the government, know where I am

 molly: and the ALIENS

 andrea: woot.

  They could find me before iPhone, they've got super nano technology.

  duh

 molly: DUH

 andrea: you still meeting me at the bus?

 molly: yep

 andrea: like a long lost lover...?

 molly: i'm actually leaving work now and i'm going to slowly meander in that direction

  yep, minus the roses

  plus the making out

 andrea: cool, get me a present

 molly: oh but i DID

  it's just at home

 andrea: awesome, we can be like Ross and rachel

 molly: surrrrrre

  i want to be ross

Like chocolate and peanut butter

Hey wow, two of my favorite things are joining forces!  And they're not edible things!  Liberty is designing a line for Target and it looks pretty rockin'.  Well, as rockin' as wee flowers and paisley can be.

The real reason I'm weak in the knees for the collection is because it reminds me of my days working at Liberty and wishing I could afford all the cute things we sold.  I worked in Customer Service in the basement but whenever I had to bring returns to other departments I would take an extra long trip so I could wander around and touch everything.  We sold lots of designer stuff other than just the Liberty of London prints, but the prints were what most customers were after.  I did end up buying a bunch of great, flowery fabric with my employee discount, but I'm pretty sure it's still sitting under my bed at my parents' house because I don't actually know how to sew.

But it's OK because, once again, Target is solving all my problems!

There's even a Liberty print bike!!  Good god, I want springtime.

Check out the whole collection here.  And then buy it for me next month, pleeeeease.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: poo pah to the max

Dudes, I am BEAT.  I'm working a ton of overtime in preparation for this bananatown gala we're planning at work while also fighting off the end of cold (again).  All I want to do is lie in bed and watch America's Best Dance Crew (I miss Kaba Modern!) and eat pretzels. 

But since I'm getting a significant bonus check from all this, I guess I'll hang out and try to raise us some money.  Blergh.

Coincidentally, do any of you know some rich people who would like to drop tons of money on an evening of musical theatre, fancy canapes, and self-congratulation?  Say... $5,000 or so?  Lemme know really soon.

I could use a shot of whiskey right about now.

andrea: (I'm all riled up from bubbles)

molly: bubbles?

champys?

 andrea: YES

  champys!

molly: i just had some whiskey, but sadly there was only about one shot left :(

  prepping for mad men watching

 andrea: ugh lame

 one shot of whiskey and mad men

  lame

  L

  A

  M

  E

  joe sends his regards

  as he is out of clever words right now

 molly: i bet HE isn't calling me lame!

 andrea: oh he did

  don't worry

 molly: i send those regards right back, gentleman

 oh crap then

  i take them back

 andrea: you can't

  they're out there in the ether

 molly: i throw my proverbial glove at the both of you

  poo pah

 andrea: poo pah!

  YES

you are on a ROLL

 molly: it's the lack of sleep

  and that one shot of whiskey

 andrea: woo!

  livin

PS: I stopped adding the date of the chat because you guys don't care, right?  All five of you?  Right.

Practically an ad for Mr. Clean Magic Erasers

I can't decide if Wayne Coyne's uber-modern house reminds me more of a stylized igloo or of the Mode Magazine office on "Ugly Betty":

Either way, I bet his housekeepers are working double time to keep all those surfaces white, especially if he's still biking around naked and covered in goo with these crazies (a very very NSFW link, by the way).  Hmmm.

Read more here.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: special skills

I am being a super duper multi-tasker tonight!  Not only am I writing this blog post, but I'm also watching Winter Olympics figure skating, trying to pick my next UCB class (holy shit my internship got extended!), and revising my Storytelling draft.

OK, actually, if I broke it down it's more like 75% writing this post, 15% picking a class, 8% watching figure skating (sequins!), and 2% revising (I don't even have the document open... I'm doing it in my head).

HEY!  You know who ELSE is a super multi-tasker?  Dreaface with her crazy spacephone!  (Nice transition huh?)  As much as I want to pretend I'm too cool to want an iPhone, I'm totally not.  Of course I want an iPhone.  I just know I can't handle it yet - monetarily or mentally.  I'm still excited about the fact that my current phone has a camera.  But if/when I do get one, I sure won't do this:

• 10/1/09 - 10:32am

 andrea: biking to the gym, i'll be back on when i get there

 molly: you're gonna gchat while you work out?? puh-lease

11 minutes

 andrea: HE'LL YES I am!

 I'm totally chatting and watching indomercials while I ellipticise

 molly: you're THAT girl

 what's an indomercial?

 andrea: Infomercial

  Which girl? Texty girl?

 molly: girl who uses her phone while ellipticising

  at least you're not talking on it though

 andrea: No, I would never

 molly: actually, i meant you're marlo thomas from that '70s tv show

  THAT GIIIIIIIRL

 andrea: Whatever man, I didn't get the iPhone so I could NOT text while I workout

molly: whateverzzz

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: BOOM

There isn't much to say about this here convo.  It is what is.  It speaks volumes.  It's touching the nation one child at a time.  The more you knoooooow.

(In other words, I'm rushing to finish my Storytelling assignment/go to a dance class/clean my room/finish watching the special features on my Pulp Fiction DVD and this is the first gem I came across.  Time's a wastin'.)

Do it:

• 8/8/09 - 11:27am 

andrea: haha, did you get my drunk text last night?

 molly: oh yeah!

  i meant to text you back

  i was going to say that i don't feel grown up enough

  you think deep thoughts when you're drunk

 andrea: i sure do

  i'm a deep, deep well

 a chasm

  a fjord

 molly: ooooh i love the word fjord!

 andrea: me too!

  going to breakfast,

  talk to you later

  boom!

 molly: mmm brekkie

  well i'll be here alllll day

  folks

That touchdown really moved me

I am a typical girl when it comes to the Superbowl.  I have no patience for the constant stopping and starting of the action and would rather just drink a lot of beer and eat nachos and wait for the kickass commercials.  (That's what girls do, right?)  Unless the Patriots are playing because in that case it's in my New England blood to represent.

If the Superbowl looked like any of these though, maybe I'd put down the tortilla chips and actually watch it:

(From Slate V)

Everything it seems I like is a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

I made an awesome mix while wide awake at 1am the other night and it's saving me this week.  My best playlists are made after midnight while sitting in bed, painstakingly moving songs around in iTunes so that all the intros and outros flow together perfectly.  This one was a mix of stuff I'm currently obsessed with and ended up having a crazy variety of tunes.  Highlights include Tears for Fears, Kid Cudi, Drunken Sufis, and Bjork - random, but awesome.

What I've been primarily obsessed with, however, is the "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" outro.  I never thought of myself as a huge Rufus Wainwright fan, but this song kept popping up on my Pandora stations and I liked it more and more each time I heard it.  I suppose I kinda stole the idea of using it as a mix closer from Andy (thanks dude!), but it works nicely.


Nice clogs, Rufus.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: good thing I'm not a nanny

I hate to be a cliche, but oh my god you guys, MONDAY. Christ-on-a-bicycle-Mary-Magdalene-Peter-Frampton MONDAY.  Maybe my alarm interrupted my delicate sleep cycle at the wrong moment or something today, but GOOD GOD, I've been wanting to break shit since I stepped out of the shower.  Crazy workplace drama isn't helping.

If I were Drea though, I'd be dealing with poopy pants drama instead of sassy pants drama (yes, it's a fine line).  We trade horror stories throughout the day of babies vs. staff meetings and seem to conclude that both options are equally dreary.  Luckily I'm getting better at handling theatre people, but babies?  Sheesh, I don't even know how to change a diaper.

• 8/5/09 - 9:58am

 andrea: so, get this, I put Sloane down like an hour ago, and she hasn't gone to sleep yet

  but she's screaming like a tantruming banshee

 molly: maybe you need to sing her a lovely song

 andrea: and I have things to do

  so... I could just go pick her up, and put her in the stroller and go do those things, since she's not going to sleep anyway

  but...

 now I'm angry at her, and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of me giving in and picking her up

  what is WRONG with me?

molly: nothing's wrong with you, the screaming banshee baby is facahked

  i would just put her in the stroller but i don't know anything about babies

would that mess up her sleep schedule

 andrea: but I'm so MAD at her

 molly: or actually make her smugly happy?

 andrea: grrrrr MAD

 molly: not sure

 andrea: i feel like it'll make her smugly happy

 plus its hot out

  and while I do have things to do, I don't necessarily want to go outside...

  decisions

  decisions of an immature nanny

 molly: eh, just let her scream and be a brat then

andrea: yeah, that's what I was thinking

  thanks for the support

 molly: anytime

So yeah.  Don't ever ask me to babysit until your kid is like, ten years old.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: I can also be purchased in bulk

I guess I need to drink more Yogi Tea because I don't even have enough inspiration to write a snappy intro today.

• 6/18/09 - 3:25pm

molly: the inspirational quote on my teabag says "you are unlimited"

 andrea: AHAHAHAHA

 molly: so in case you were worried, there is now an endless supply of molly

 andrea: oh i always knew it

molly: clearly someone at the tea company ran out of ideas

 andrea: why does your tea have inspiration on it anyways?

  why is the tea trying to snoop in your life?!

 molly: it's yogi tea

  it's all-knowing  Also: my mom mailed me some underwear recently that also has inspirational quotes printed around the top band.  For reals.  Forget books and art, you guys!  If you're feeling like your life is worthless, just sit around in your underwear and drink tea!  It's working for me!  (Not really.)

*For more sarcastically-captioned photos, go to Superpoop.  Also inspirational.

This is what my dreams are like

This photographer Denis Darzacq is great.  He's successfully combining two of my favorite things: supermarkets and jumping in the air.  I wish I could get as much air as these dudes:

 Ahh, someday.

Check out how he works his magic here and then maybe check out his exhibit in NYC here.  ART!

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: because all my jeans are falling apart

Friends, I gotta start this by saying I just went to a bar alone for the first time ever and liked it a little too much.  I've always been afraid to go to a bar without company, thinking I would feel very sad and/or get hit on by crazy old men.  Well, I just started a Storytelling class at UCB and our first assignment was to do something outside of our comfort zone so, boom, why not try it?  The verdict: a little sad/scary at first, but once you get some gin in you it's kind of amazing.  I sat there for a good hour, people-watching and writing random things in my notebook that felt genius but will probably seem lame tomorrow.  I cheated a little by going to my favorite bar, but still, baby steps.

I do, however, need to cut back on the drinking and the post-drinking tortilla-chip-eating that comes with it.  My thighs are starting to scare me.  Here's an ode to health (and T-ball):

• 7/8/09 - 10:26am
  

andrea: so, my new favorite healthy snack in THE WORLD is radishes on toast

seriously, i could eat this til i'm dead

molly: i'll have to try that

 andrea: its sooooo good, on buttered toast with salt & pepper & a little hot flakes!

ooh and lettuce sometimes

 molly: sounds like slug food

andrea: no, awesometown food

 molly: awesometown slugs

  that's like the name of a t-ball team

 andrea: hell yes it is

  and they always win the championship and get to go to pizza hut

 molly: yessss

  i sense a movie deal

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: gettin' the shakes

For Andrea's birthday I got her a giant coffee mug featuring this fine quip:



Dreabutt rides without a helmet ALL THE TIME and I mom her to death about it but I think she's still being a reckless freak.  Had I remembered this conversation, however, I might have thought twice before encouraging her excessive coffee consumption:

• 6/30/09 - 9:18am
  

andrea: get me a job

  i would like to work on a space station

  making pizza

  but I want to be able to come down whenever I like

and I'd like that to take not more than...say an hour

  oh, and Megan McCain is a stupid bag of twat

molly: wow, good morning to you

 andrea: :0

  :)

  I wish I could make that little guy raise his fist in the air, all glory-like

  (i"ve had too much coffee)

 molly: i have not had nearly enough

 i've been having insane insomnia lately

  it sucks

  i'm thinking about starting a fight club

 andrea: ooooh...can I be the documentarian/CHAMPION?

molly: documentarian? sure

  champion?

  you just TRY

 andrea: oh just you wait, I'm about to go get cuppa coffee number 3

SETTLE DOWN.