The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Andrea will name your pet

 

I am failing at Widget and Sassoon lately.  I keep coming very close to stopping altogether, but then I convince myself to keep going because 1) there are so many conversations I keep uncovering that must be shared with world and 2) it guarantees that I post something at least once a week AND 3) good god, if I can't keep up with a weekly themed blog post then how can I expect to keep up with my LIFE??

Anyway.

Maybe it will be a "Whenever I Feel Like It Widget and Sassoon" instead of "Weekly."  You know, throwin' surprises your way when you least expect it.  Postin' funnies.  Drinkin' drinks.

I'm sorry, guys.  I think I'm in a bad mood because I just came back from a New Pornographers show and Dan Bejar wasn't with them and it made me sad.  And then I checked my bank balance.  And then I had to put on two sweaters because it's fucking DECEMBER.

ANYWAY.  Pets:

andrea: there's a girl on this show called "beau"   which quite frankly, is a dog's name

  let's be real hereBeau=dog like Clara=cow and Sebastian=cat

On the positive side: I have enough peanut butter and gin to last me at least a week.  And by listening to Destroyer I can pretend I saw Dan Bejar.

Oh God I'm still alive

Andrea recently posted this on her Tumblr, but I have to steal it and re-blog it here because HOLY SHIT I think I choreographed this in my past life:


Or maybe I was one of those backup dancers in a past life.  Also: hot nails, David.

Agreed

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: dreams do come true

On days when I am feeling directionless and questioning my life choices, I like to try and remember how far I've come.  Sure, I'm slowly eating through my savings account, spending late nights watching cartoons and drinking whiskey, and my bedroom is covered in piles of mail and clothing BUT at least I'm not still job searching, right??

And I'm thinking positively for Andrea, too.  Sure, it sucks that she spends most days hanging out with a toddler and her closet doesn't hold all of her clothes BUT at least she has an iPhone!  See?  Things aren't so bad, people!  Unless you're reading this over someone's shoulder in a Starbucks because you're homeless.  That is bad.

me:i'm pretty sure i'm not getting that BAM job and it's killing my spirit

andrea: why? did the interview go badly?

 me: not terribly, but i haven't heard a peep from them and the interview was last monday

 i have a feeling they think i'm underqualified

 andrea: underqualified?

  that's boo hockey

 me: ha! boo hockey!

  yeah, i guess, but i keep thinking of other things i could have thrown into the interview that i didn't

  poo

 i'm sure they're interviewing a ton of people though

 andrea: yeah, a week ago is not that long

 did they give you a time frame for hiring at all?

 me: they said as soon as possible

  and the original ad said mid-august :(

 andrea: lame

 everyone's lame

  were the two best people for everything and noone wants to help us

  everyone's a JERK

 me: i KNOW!

 jerkface america!

 andrea: jerkface WORLD

  i just want a place to LIVE

  I want a JOB

  i want the world to stop making me TYPE IN CAPS

me: HATE IT!andrea: ugh. i just want an iphone and some new boots

Actually, Andrea probably does still want some new boots.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: I'm drunk at Voooogue

I've had a lot of beers.  And I just made the the best improvised tofu-rancheros-inspired scramble ever.  And I'm still poor.  And I'm never getting off this couch.  Aaaaaand drug segue:

andrea: Dude, I woke up this morning with such a migraine I thought I might not be able to come this weekend

  It was draaaaaammmz

  But I'm all drugged up and i feel a babillion better now

  Boom

  Deugs

Drugs!

  Yes.

Oh and this:

Good news/bad news

I'll jump right to it:

Good news: I got a job!!  This will be me in about a month:

That's right, I'm gonna work at the 5th Avenue Apple Store!  As... a part time... cashier!  I know, retail, but it's APPLE.  If that's not gonna eventually force me into an iPhone, I don't know what will.  I have to wait a month because their training schedule doesn't match up with mine very easily (who knew unemployment would make me even busier than before??), but I should be able to start training on 12/11.  Yay discount!

The bad news: I did not get Jens Lekman tickets.  :( :( :(

There are not enough sad emoticons to fully express how I feel.  He even added a second show and it sold out in roughly TWO MINUTES!  I know because they were released at noon, I clicked the link at 12:01, it turned out to be the wrong link so I scrambled back to the right one at 12:02, and then they were sold out.  CURSESSSSS!!!!

If anyone reading this has a spare ticket to sell me, you can be the first to abuse my Apple discount.  Sweet deal, right??

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: in YOUR face!

I am in the midst of another one of my semi-monthly goddam-I-overbooked-my-life freakouts so I'll let this one speak for itself while I continue to write drunk emails.  You're welcome!

andrea: i want a lollipop

  i want a cuuuupcake

  i want some COTTON CANDY

  in my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace

  ...

  ...

  did you like my song?

  i wrote it for you

 you're my inspiration

 me: not in your mouth? just rubbed all over your face? that's weird

  oh, well then

  it does sound like something i'd sing

 andrea: not ON my face

  IN my face

 me: in your pores?

andrea: no, in my mouthy part of face

  MOUTH FACE

 me: oohhhh wellllll thennnn

 andrea: yup yup yup

 win win win

  zing ziing zing

  ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnng

My Super Sweet Jens Lekman

It worked!  Jens Lekman is coming back to NYC!!

I shrieked aloud when I saw this in my inbox last night:

Hi everyone,

I had some stuff to do in New York this winter so I figured I might as well do a small solo show while I'm there since it's been so long.
It will be special and maybe we can have one of those house parties afterwards, like we had last time?
If my friends neighbors are cool with that, I'll let you know.

NYC
December 10th, 2010
Brooklyn
New York, USA
Green Building on Union
450 Union St
Brooklyn, NY 11231

Doors: 8pm
Stage: 9:30pm

There's 400 tickets - $17 adv / $20 door
Tickets here
Currently it's 18+, we're looking into ways of solving this so anyone can go but can't promise anything.

I'm totes buying a ticket.  You should all get one too.  And DUH, Jens, of COURSE we should have a house party afterwards!

You're welcome, New York!  It was alllllll me.

MADE

Have I mentioned that I'm being slowly crafted in a hip hop star?  It's true.  The sassy Bev Brown has me wrapped around her finger so hard that I decided to get in on her current performance workshop.  On paper, it's an eight-week workshop that ends with a performance at Alvin Ailey right after Thanksgiving.  In reality, it's hip hop boot camp - well, for me, at least.  I go to Bev's regular class about once a week, but now I'm going to the workshop class every Saturday plus one to two more during the week, depending on what I can afford.  We're doing at least seven numbers (although not the full songs) and while the choreography is similar if not exactly the same as what we do in class, we're expected to pick it up much faster.

This song in particular is the bane of my existence (this is best version I can find... ignore the skanky pics... unless you don't want to, perv):


Don't get me wrong, I love the song itself - especially all the random guest stars involved - (Bon Iver??) but the Nicki Minaj part that we're busting moves to (starting around 3:30) is killing me.  The moves are so fast that I look like a big flailing mess and I'm psyching myself out about it.  I've got 16 days to master this shit.  Oh, and to find some "sexy shorts" to wear in the show.  Errrgghhh.  I swear, I am living this episode of "Made."

Send good vibes, people.  And if you're in New York City over Thanksgiving, send yourself.  Really, how many chances do you have to see me get all ghetto while I'm sober AND have good choreo on my side?

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: hip-unemployed-ster

See what I did there?  I stuck "unemployed" in the middle of the word "hipster"!  Get it?  "Hip-unemployed-ster"??  It's the caption for this hot photo:

I was originally posting it as an example of what my life has become now that I am officially, for real real, no joke, DONE with CAP21.  I declared on October 28 that I wasn't coming back and I have upheld the promise.  Now I'm spending lots of time hanging out in a big sweater that keeps my neck warm and drinking cheap beer.  But then I uploaded that photo and scoffed at myself.  Really, Molly?  A striped seventies mom sweater?  Bangs all up in your eyes?  Visible (albeit backwards) Jukebox the Ghost poster in the background?  PBR??  You hipster fuck.  (However: can we acknowledge how awesome that nail polish is?  It matches the can!!)

So... yeah.  Oops.  I'm keeping it there so you can scoff at what my life has become right along with me.  Let's consider it a caption contest.  If you can think of something better than "hip-unemployed-ster," you win a prize.  Probably something lazily homemade.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I never had a proper going-away party...

me: drunk

  at

  work

 andrea: You devil

 How are you getting drunk at work?

me: we just signed the lease for moving onto the 5th floor and had cake and champys

  and i pretended it was my going away party

 andrea: HAHAHAHAHAHA

  yes.

 me: so of course it was GREAT

PS: I still have all the office keys, CAP21.  If I return them can I get my soul back?

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Facebook school

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.  The pros include inviting many people at once to events when I don't want to use a phone, updating my status with pretentious song lyrics, and - of course - stalking people from high school.  The cons, however, are just as numerous: getting tagged in awful photos, people babbling about virtual farm animals, and... ok, people updating their statuses with pretentious song lyrics.  But BAD ones!  Blergh.  I feel like an old person in a rocking chair when I tell people how I long for the days when Facebook was just for college students to track down that dude from Geology class and post hilarious photos from the dorm.

For now I'm still neutral about Facebook, but it seems to be a trend among some of my friends to quit altogether and delete their accounts.  Is this the new cool thing to do?  Subvert the standard?  Drea seems to think so.

me: ummmm did jamien have a baby??

 andrea: i know she was preggers

  maybe she popped

  why?

  is facebook telling you tales?

 me: yup

  i'm inviting people to something so can't click on her profile yet, but i noticed her photo was a baby

  i had no idea she was knocked up

 man, i HATE that

  you are not your baby!

  don't make your photo of your kid!

 andrea: I KNOW

  people are so stupid

 me: although i also just noticed that my friend joel changed his photo to lindsay lohan's mugshot

  he wins

 andrea: i win

me: no, you can't win if you forfeit the game

  LADY

 andrea: no, that's the secret

  that's how you win at facebook

 me: whatevs

 be all too-cool-for-school

andrea: I've always been too cool for school

  duh

  duh

  duh

Well DUH right back at you because if it weren't for Facebook, we wouldn't have Lamebook.  Also, I wouldn't have found this old gem:

Thanks, Mr. Zuckerberg, for keeping my drunk-in-public moments precious.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: Mancassins!

I have to write a commercial parody for my sketch class so I'm using it as an excuse to sit on my couch and watch lots of bad TV to "research."  I can't turn away from  NeNe on Real Housewives of Atlanta stoned out of her mind on pain meds recovering from a ton of plastic surgery.  HILARIOUS.  NeNe is my fave.  I mean, this is her NOT stoned on pain meds so you can only imagine the joy that is happening right now:

I watch way too much Real Housewives of anywhere.  I'd watch Real Housewives of Topeka if it was on right now.  Too bad Project Runway isn't still on Bravo.  If I were watching that I could at least pretend that I'm learning things about... patterns... and... socks.

andrea: i'm watching old epis of project runway in bed while joe mixes loudly

me: PRO RUN

  word

 andrea: proj ruuuuun

 me: why the hell did they move it off bravo??

  so sad

 andrea: have you ever seen the fashion show?

  which is bravo's desperate attempt to save themselves after selling proj run...

 me: yes

  snooorrrre

 andrea: i have NO IDEA. it has always been their best show

  yes!

  its sooooooo booooooring

  and awful

  and lame

 me: no one can compete with tim gunn and heidi

 andrea: especially not fucking isaac mizrahi

 he's such a caricature of himself its like he's probably not even gay

 me: i know!

 andrea: he probably goes home to his secret wife and kids and chops wood

and why doesn't he ever wear socks?

  what the hell dude?! socks are good

 me: he doesn't?

 andrea: he's always wearing mancassins with no socks

 me: i mean, i don't love socks, but his feet must stiiink

  MANCASSINS!

You can feel it, people feel it, rhythm rhythm

It's my four-year Alive Day today.  I'm celebrating by drinking Amstel Lights and endlessly doing the running man to this:


Go be alive!

Why can't we give love give love give love give love......

I know I'm way behind the rest of the world on finally watching this, but it made my night (or... my 2:30am):


Do you think if I donate money to the homeless he'd buy David Bowie Kermit a Thin White Duke suit and Freddy Mercury Kermit some white pants and a fake mustache??

KIDDING.  Hopefully all money is going to the homeless first... and then to the puppet wardrobe.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: let's get some shoes

It's weird how having less income just makes me want to spend more of it.  I could really use these boots:

And this jacket-y cape:

And this turntable:

Oh yeah, and some fancy vodka.

andrea: i have one more purchase today, my booze

 me: yeah i think i'm actually buying some today too

  i earned it this week

 andrea: i'm gonna make jalapeno lime spritzers with tequila

 me: ooooh

 andrea: I just fuckin went nuts

 me: what do you add besides the spicy tequila?

 andrea: and i still want to do mani/pedi this weekend

  and buy espadrilles

  i have problems

 me: no no, you have styel

or.. style

  i don't know what styel is

  maybe a fancy vodka

 i'm going to the bank

  i'm going to call you so we can talk about shopping

 andrea: do

  it

Oh my god, SHOES!

Yay for quitters!

This article about quitting is making me feel a little better about taking the leap from my secure-yet-boring job.  If only I knew what it is I'm supposed to be independently creating.

As a creative person, you’ve been given the ability to build things from nothing by way of hard work over long periods of time. Creation is a deeply personal and rewarding activity, which means that your Work should also be deeply personal and rewarding. If it’s not, then something is amiss.

Creation is entirely dependent on ownership.

Ownership not as a percentage of equity, but as a measure of your ability to change things for the better. To build and grow and fail and learn. This is no small thing. Creativity is the manifestation of lateral thinking, and without tangible results, it becomes stunted. We have to see the fruits of our labors, good or bad, or there’s no motivation to proceed, nothing to learn from to inform the next decision. States of approval and decisions-by-committee and constant compromises are third-party interruptions of an internal dialog that needs to come to its own conclusions.

Read the whole thing here.

(Discovered by way of Kottke.)

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: dreams and cocaine and egg sandwiches

I just started reading Carl Jung's Man and His Symbols and it's set me off on a kick of trying to dig into my subconscious.  I know, it sounds pretentious, but I had originally bought the book for some religion or sociology class in college and randomly rediscovered it a few days ago.  It's actually fairly easy to read and digest and I'm getting that nerdy rush of excitement that I haven't felt in awhile - LEARNING! (Excuse me while I push my glasses further up my nose and use my inhaler.)

Mr. Jung is teaching me that the symbols planted in our unconscious can arise in many forms other than dream forms, but I think dreams are still great examples of the crazy shit going on in my head.  This one is almost as good as Andrea's:

andrea: oh the day

  i just want to eat an egg sandwich and bake a bread

me: i am actually feeling an urge to write and paint and such, which i haven't felt for a long time

 i had an epic dream last night that i lived in an apartment building that was attached to a bar

  which was awesome until the landlord/bar owner made us sell cocaine from the bar in order to keep our apartments

  i was bad at it and someone tried to give me a ladle instead of money

 andrea: its like an episode of an hbo show

  i almost typed "hobo show"

 me: and i was all "hey! no! you owe me $40!"

  it was cheap coke

 andrea: that's right you big coke dealer, you GET your money

 me: i was bad at it

Maybe it's time to get back in the habit of writing down my dreams every morning.  If anything, it will help me rule out some bad career choices.

I still need a good DJ name

I've been looking for a way to share music on this blog through some way other than embedding YouTube videos.  Ideally, I want to share entire mixes, but I'm old and bumbling when it comes to these things so I haven't quite figured out how to upload my sweet collections and then pack them into a neato zip file for you fine people to download.

Until I school myself, I'm going to play around with 8tracks.  I discovered it through Style Rookie (man, she's been all over my laptop this week) and it seems pretty easy to build a mix and embed it here.  The database of music selections is a little scattered and you can't download anything, but at least you can listen to my hot tunes while you drink whiskey or refinish your cabinets or color-code your Excel file or whatever.

I got lazy for my first mix and followed the suggestion of the site by making an 8tracks "debut" mix, with these very specific eight tracks:

1. A song from 2010 I love
2. A song everyone on 8tracks should hear
3. A song that reminds me of high school
4. A song from the year I was born
5. A song from a band I LOVE
6. A song I can sing along to
7. A song about my city / state
8. A top 40 song I hate to admit I like

Artwork is the 1st result of this image search: my first pet's name (Eponine) + the street I grew up on (Mountain View Road)

That's not to say I didn't spend some intense brain time on these because I sure did.  Painstaking.

Enjoy.  Better mixes soon to come...

Maybe I CAN draw

I recently unearthed an old flash drive and found a couple gems that I can't resist shoving in your faces.

A long long time ago (late summer 2007, perhaps?), I had to go to an all-day payroll system training with my boss.  It was the kind of corporate drudgery that I hope I never again have to go through for any job.  I eventually took over the task of processing the weekly payroll, but it's amazing that I learned anything that day.  Not only did we have a nice beer lunch, but I spent most of the training session making Microsoft Paint drawings:

The first one especially is a nerdy, inside joke to other ADP PayExpert users, but hopefully you can at least appreciate my fine art skills.

Tavi is officially invited to my nerd party

Not long after I confessed my dreams of hosting a hip library party, I discovered by way of Style Rookie that this zine did a feature where a bunch of fashion bloggers dressed up as literary characters.

If these supercool, stylish people are dressing up, a library party can't be that nerdy of an idea, can it?

And on a side note: can it still be called a "zine" if it's well-designed, mass-produced, and costs $10?  I thought zines were what my punk rock friends in high school made when they stole Sharpies and hijacked the photocopier during art class. 

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: deal with it

I'm fighting a cold and bitter that I still have to go into CAP21 tomorrow.  Someday I'll post about the actual fun stuff that Andrea and I did this weekend, but right now it's grouchy time only.

me: dang theatre people  andrea: ugh. i have no patience left

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: LIBRARY PARTY!

I've had this amazing idea for a theme party kicking around in my head for a few years now: The Library Party.

First of all, in my ideal world, all parties would be theme parties.  And by theme parties I mean themed everything: appropriate music, kitschy food and drinks, and guests must arrive in costume. Almost all parties I went to in college were theme parties, but in retrospect that may have been because we were nerdy theatre kids. 

Yes, I know how photogenic I am, please hold your gasps.

But still: what is it about reaching a certain age that makes it uncool to get dressed up and meticulously plan for a theme party?  Why does it only have to be OK on Halloween?

That's why my dream theme party is the Library Party.  I think it would attract both people like me who are freaks about costume parties and the more wary people who would only like to put on a crazy tie.  The idea would be that everyone has to arrive dressed as either a character from a book or a famous author.  PLUS, every guest would have to bring a book or two that they don't want and would swap with others at the party.  There would of course also be literary-themed drinks and snacks and music.  If I got my act together, I would even sent out real snail-mail invites printed on old library cards.  Really though, the best part would be the chance for a bunch of pretentious nerds to get drunk and talk books and then dance together - right??

The one thing holding me back is my fear that I don't know enough nerds who would actually get on board and show up.  What if Andrea was the only guest??  All we'd do is wear fake beards and eat mango and dance!

andrea: i love mango

  if I wasn't so full right now, I would want mango real bad

  http://www.outofprintclothing.com/Shop_a/152.htm

 me: i went through a big mango phase a few years ago and then kinda forgot about them

 oh yeah i've seen those somewhere before, on daily candy or something

  i love a good book nerd shirt

 andrea: me too!

 me: man, one of these days i am really throwing a library party and it's going to KILL

andrea: dude. fall

  do it for the start of fall

  AAAAAAASAHHHHHH

 me: YES

trouble is, i can't find enough nerds who are into it

 andrea: are you kidding?

  you know tons of THEATRE people

  and improv nerds

  recruit

  RECRUIT

  who will I be?!

  oh nooooooo!!!!1

 me: yeah, maybe i'll start spreading the word during del close marathon next weekend

  yeah, that would be my biggest problem - finding the best costume ever

 maybe i'll surprise everyone and be fucking MARK TWAIN!

 andrea: yeeeeeeessss

 this is so hard

  i'm staring off into space thinking about it

  i should have been thinking about this for years

 its like halloween pressure times twenty

 me: it's ok, there's time

  seeing as it won't happen until i get a big enough nerd posse

Whoops, I never did spread the word during DCM so consider this your official pre-invitation, nerd posse.

At least I haven't dyed my hair black again

I've been having a strangely emotional week.  Maybe it's because I'm on the cusp of turning 27, maybe it's because there's a full moon reaching it's peak in roughly two hours, or maybe it's just that I'm out of beer. Whatever it is, all I seem to want to do lately is moodily wander the streets listening to dramatic music or spread magazines all over my room and make creepy collages while listening to dramatic music.  The dramatic music is key.

This is all cathartic and fulfilling (I think?) but it's getting to a point that feels slightly ridiculous.  With all the Bjork and Interpol and Radiohead scoring my life, I can't help but imagine over-dramatic images from my week being cut together into a slo-mo scene, Wes Anderson style.

I wish I had the camera/editing skills/motivation to film some kind of hilarious version of this, but alas, I don't.  Instead, pour yourself a glass of whiskey with a side of anxiety and imagine me walking in slow motion in the rain and shaking my fists at the sky while you listen to INXS:


Is it a coincidence that this song is first on my oh-boy-it's-fall playlist?  (Or that it's also the sorta-slo-mo opening to Donnie Darko?) Maybe I'm in for a dramatic season.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: oh yeah that happened

Remember when Andrea had two houses?  And I had two jobs?  And pom poms went on necklaces?  And... dancing and cats?  Ummm, I don't know what I'm talking about.  This happened a long time ago:

andrea: boo

 me: boo HOOOO

  boo WHO?

  boo YOU

 andrea: boo me~

  i meant!

  what are you up to?

  if you were here we'd be dancing

 me: totally

  i'm at work

  work #2

 andrea: ugh

  i'm at home

 home #2

 me: ha, which one is #2?

 andrea: yellow

  le sigh

 me: ah yes

 andrea: i'm making a totally sweet pom pom necklace though

me: hotness

  like literally, it will keep you warm

andrea: yes!

yes! done!

  it's my fave

  its like a fancy cat toy that you wear

  !

 me: you should lace it with catnip

andrea: no no no

Mona Lisa Gaga

This has been on my mind ever since I watched My Cousin Vinny last week.  Don't Marisa Tomei's outfits as Mona Lisa Vito look suspiciously like Lady Gaga's?  I'm sensing some mutual inspiration:

 

 

  

 

 

 

OK, so Ms. Germanotta is taking it to another level, but the spirit is there, right?    If I had bonanza amounts of money and no shame, I would totally blow Mona Lisa Vito outfits out of the water too.  I wish I could pull off this one in particular (best photo I could dig up, sadly): 

 

It's a floral one-piece jumpsuit thing!  With a big cutout in the back!  And she's wearing it with heeled booties!  At a CABIN in the WOODS!!!  Get on this, Gaga!

Lady Vito makes me really want to bleach one strand of hair by my ear and then backcomb and Rave the crap out of it.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: the best of the best

Yesterday (OK, technically two days ago because I'm posting this late a-GAIN) was Andrea's birthday and because I am a broke lamepants, all I did to commemorate the day was send her a hip ecard.  There will be more belated celebration at the end of this month (I think??  I hope???), but I still feel like I didn't give the day enough huzzahs.  Hopefully this selection of quality Andrea quotes will make us all (primarily me) feel better.

andrea:

  i'm trying to eat healthier, not eat weirder andrea: DAMN YOU

  you're making me look bad in front of my internet audience of three!

  one of whom is you!  andrea:

 i want a million dollars

  and a nice dinner

  and a martini

  right now.  andrea: oh yeah

 i just had a dream that wee were in a bookstore, stuffing our faces, and looking through clearance bins of handmade stuffed animals and binders, and rubber shoe covers for babies

  they had baby names printed on the sides

 and there was a sale on sheer bra straps to wear as sunglasses  andrea: my computer is a stupid jerkdick  andrea: seriously, how hard is it to eat when i'm holding the food in front of your face on a spoon?

  just open your

mouth

  i'm not asking you to lift a truck over your head  andrea: i just jimble jambled over to h&m and spent more money

  i'm firing myself from life  andrea: you IDIOT

  if you lived with me, you'd never have that problem

  you'd be drinking questionable old wine and laughing your ass off at dvr'd lady stand up  andrea: ...

  and then I ate a hot pocket.

  Morales, out.

HUZZAH!

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: carrier pigeons are the new hover boards

If I had remembered it was Monday, I would have written this hours ago.  But instead I slept until 2:45pm, did some irresponsible shopping, and then got drunk on red wine and watched My Cousin Vinny.  Have I mentioned I'm pretty much unemployed?

andrea: oh my GAWD, go get me a sandwich

  PLEASE

 me: ok it's on it's way

  but i'm poor so i had to send it via carrier pigeon

  so... it might be soggy

  or.... eaten by the pigeon

 andrea: crappers

Livin' the dream

It's real.  It's my first day of being mostly-unemployed where I have absolutely nothing to do.  Actually my first "official" day as a free woman was last Friday and I celebrated by sleeping in and eventually eating a ginormous brunch at around 3pm while watching Working Girl on HBO.  Oh, the irony!

But today... it feels strange to have no plans.  Well, I do have some plans to go to a dance class and then maybe a UCB show tonight, but the daytime is wide open.  I'm realizing "oh yeah, this is that time I said I was going to use to find a new job."  Or at least "be productive." 

To my credit, I did get up at 9am and took a shower, put on real clothes, and got out of the house.  I went to the nearest Starbucks - mainly for free AC and wireless, but also so I could get "focused."  (I'm throwing a lot of quotation marks around, I know - imagine them as obnoxious air quotes.)

I came in with the intention of writing... stuff.  I was at least going to put together some stuff for the upcoming Moth slams, but I got halfway through a story and stalled.  So now I'm the cliche unemployed "artist" sitting in a New York City Starbucks with writer's block.  But blogging counts as productivity, right?

At least you can probably expect more blogging from me as I continue to procrastinate adult responsibilities.  And more of this:

Good god, someone please give me a writing assignment.

Finally

Thanks to the tiny bit of news I actually read, I've learned that New York City - and apparently the state as a whole - is finally starting to crack down on reckless drivers who hit pedestrians.  This article I just read focuses on a girl who was hit when she was a toddler which led her mother to get all aggressive with some lobbyists:

Two weeks ago, Gov. David A. Paterson signed a bill declaring that drivers who flout traffic laws and seriously injure pedestrians in the process can lose their license for six months or, if it is a repeat offense, one year. It is known as Elle’s Law.

I definitely came away luckier than this girl (although who knows - maybe when she's 26 she'll just have some cool scars and wonky joints too), but this feels like a teensy bit of satisfaction.

The Weekly Widget and Sassoon: yes - long, but SO worth it

Confession: a few months ago I joined OkCupid, the free online dating site of broke desperate singles nationwide.  I originally signed up as a challenge as part of my Storytelling class at UCB; we were all assigned to do something "out of character" - our true character as a person, not a fake character - but the catch was that the rest of the class picked it for you.  Clearly, part of my "character" is my inability to pick up dudes... I guess it's more obvious than I thought.  ANYWAY.

I brushed it off at first as an embarrassing, horrifying task, but soon I actually got kind of obsessed with it.  There's something very gratifying about being able to brush off or hit on guys without it being in person and having to care about their reaction.  It helped that I realized many of my friends use or have used OkCupid or other dating sites and it's really nothing to be all secretive and embarrassed about - in fact, it's often hilarious and makes for more great stories.  Thanks, Storytelling 201!

As I seem to have regained confidence in picking up men on my own (thankyouverymuch), I'm kind of neutral about it now.  I still check it out when I get emails about matches because I'm curious what other nerds live in my area ("We found a match for you!  He likes 'Martin Scorcese'" - puh-lease internet robots, who doesn't??), but mostly, it's all about the hilarious messages.  I get a few creepy or odd messages from guys every now and then and I like to have a good laugh before I delete them.  Then I got two that put all the rest to shame.  Naturally, I immediately consulted Andrea.  Please enjoy:

me: ho

  ly

  shit

 andrea: what?

 me: this is the best ok cupid message i've gotten of all time

  (long, but worth it)

 Dear Molly :

Now I am manager of software department in a corporation in Beijing.
I am senior software analyst.

My hometown is Qingdao. It is a big city & seaport at east coast of China.
All my relatives are in Qingdao.

I am lonely in Beijing. So I need a girlfriend very much.

But fortunately, Beijing University gives me great happiness.

Besides my career, my best interest is study in Beijing University.

Beijing University is the best university in China.
She has an honourable fame in whole China.
Because Beijing University is in capital, & near central government,
so its information is more strong.

I am in a good environment of culture & information.

Every month, there are many aristocracies of intellect around me.
Every month, there are many conferences or forums in campus of Beijing University & Tsinghua University.

Many government officials, scholars, enterprisers, businessmen came from all over the world, take part in those meetings.

So I have many chance to meet those aristocracies in many fields.
I feel happy to meet them, because those meeting give me much light of wisdom. They open my mind & eyes.

My interest is wide. I attend many classes in several aspect: literature, history, philosophy, law, business, management, etc.

I love Beijing University very much.

I wish, in the future, I can invite you to visit Beijing University, & take some pictures in its campus.

Hongwu in Beijing

andrea: um...does he WORK for beijing university?

 me: oh my gosh, he sent me an earlier one too!

 andrea: does he want you to come to china and make out with beijing university while he watches?

 me: i guess so???

  i think he's a student

 holy shit, he's looking for an american wife and i fall in the desired height range

  Dear MollyCam , you are so lovely on picture.

Nice to meet you. How do you do ?

I am HongWu Xu in Beijing, China.

I am software engineer.
I study in Beijing University in spare time.
In Beijing University, there are some foreign students & scholars came from America and Europe.

Do you know something about China ?

If you are interested, I will send you some pictures about China & myself at once.
So you can understand something about China at first.
Please give me your email address.

My email address
xuhongwulove@gmail.com
xuhongwulove2@live.cn

On hotmail.com, I have instant messenger.
It's also called MSN. MSN is my basic instant messenger.
On MSN, my user name is
xuhongwulove2@live.cn

On Yahoo Messenger, my user name is
xuhowu@yahoo.com.cn

Are you interested to keep contact with me, and see what will happen
I am sincere and worthy gentleman, with a kind and tender heart.

I seek a wife whose height is between 5'4--5'8 (164cm -- 172cm)
I like to live with you in your side.

Hope to hear from you.

Hongwu in Beijing University, China

 "i like to live with you IN YOUR SIDE"

 andrea: he is a sincere and worthy gentleman

 me: he wants to burrow into me like an alien!!

 andrea: you should probs call him

 me: oh, for sure

  chinese sugar daddy

You guys: if any of you email him pretending to be me and get a response I will buy you a drink and then we can scheme on how to get him to wire us money.  Deal?  And yes, that photo is really him... HOTT.